


When Flowers Bloom On Saturdays

by enigmatic_vagabond



Category: Polca, Taynew
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Flowers, Gardening, Lots of Cursing, M/M, slow-burn, taynew - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26190529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmatic_vagabond/pseuds/enigmatic_vagabond
Summary: New, an editor of a publishing company, frequently visits the new flower shop just across their building. He mostly buys flowers for his apartment. One day, when he bought a bouquet of flowers for his boyfriend, Tong, he caught him cheating for the third time. And after that incident, he befriends the florist of the flower shop, Tay. He then receives bouquets of flowers every Saturdays of the month and is getting suspicious who is sending him these. Little did he know, it was Tay all along. New starts to develop a blooming relationship with the florist but will their love blossom or wither like a flower during the unforgiving Summer?
Relationships: New Thitipoom Techaapaikhun/Tay Tawan Vihokratana
Comments: 13
Kudos: 38





	1. Daffodils

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first full-length TayNew AU. My first draft of this story was kind of disappointing. I was not happy of what I have written so I started all over again. At first, New was a clerk at a convenience store but I scratched that idea, so instead, I made him an editor of a publishing company. Secondly, Gun and Off in my first draft weren't dating, but I established it here that they already are because it's going to be hard for me to write two love stories. Lastly, New was single in my first draft but I wrote Tong as his boyfriend here. I hope you like this one! :(( Thank You!

I was never a green-thumb at first. My first responsibility growing up with my grandfather was to take care of a pot of daffodils, but it died. I cried when that happened. But my grandfather taught me how to do gardening at a young age. He taught me that to be responsible, you must protect and keep your plants healthy and alive, by watering them, showering them with love, and even talking to them. I am left with my grandfather because my parents died when I was still five years old. He taught me everything that I needed to know, not including the things that I have learned from school and university.

I finished college with the help of my Pops but as soon as I started working he died due to a heart attack. Of course, I was devastated. He was the only person left in my life but Death took him from me. I wish I could turn back time, but Pops would always tell me that I need to move on, and not dwell in the past. I did what he said, I moved on.

“New, you have to edit this chapter of the book.” Gun hands me a copy of the chapter of a debut novel. “Ugh, it’s awful. I get that the main protagonist needs a character development but this is cliché.” He groans as he sips his coffee. “Wait, did I already edit this? And besides, I already e-mailed the author of the book.” I keep on checking the red marks Gun did. “And how rude can you get by marking all the pages with your red pen?” I laugh and he shrugs. “Don’t be so uptight.” He pauses and looks at me intently. “Is there something on my face, Gun?” I ask him before I claw his eyes out. “You need a new boyfriend.” He straightforwardly tells me, no pauses, no stops, just plain ‘you need a new boyfriend’.

I stand up and walk with him to the utility room. “I told you Tong and I are talking about this mess,” I whisper so that no one in the office could hear us. “Let me remind you, New Thitipoom. He has been cheating on you for the last two months, and here you are still pining over him.” Gun puts his head on his forehead. “I get that he’s cute and hot, and those abs are to die for but please, don’t get burned with the same flame, twice.” I know Gun is serious about my relationship with Tong. I have been dating him since I’ve graduated college, he is a writer and of course, I am an editor, we fit together, like a puzzle piece but Gun thinks we’re from two different puzzles.

“Twice, Thitipoom.” Emphasis on twice. “I know but he told me last night that he is not seeing the other guy anymore.” The utility room is small and Gun could still beat me in here when I said that. “Are you hearing yourself? Normally, people would go on about giving people another chance, but I am not that kind of person, New.” He clenches his fist. And I’m pretty sure he’s just holding himself back by not punching me. “I do not tolerate cheating. I hate cheating.” He crosses his arms and scoffs. “The last guy I dated cheated on me and I didn’t second guess on dumping him on the spot.” I didn’t know Oab cheated on him?

“Wait, Oab cheated on you? I thought he left you?” Gun looks at me confusingly. “No, that bastard! He cheated on me and I left him, and it’s not the other way around.” Gun’s voice is getting higher and louder. “Besides, this is not about me, it’s about you and that two-timing son of a bitch, Tong.” He lays his cup of coffee on one of the trashcan lids. _Gross._ “I care for you, New. And you should listen to me when I tell you to dump him and we’ll find someone who can take care of you like how Off take care of me.” _Gross._ Since Gun dated that printing press guy in the basement, he’s gotten a little sweeter and a little mushy and this is not the Gun I know, but seeing him this happy makes me glad.

“Fine,” I stop Gun from talking because I know he will cut me off. “But, I’ll give him one last chance and after that, we’re done,” I promise to my friend. He picks up his cup of coffee and drinks it. “Ok, fine. Last chance and if he breaks your heart again for what, the third time, I will kick him in the shin.” Gun raises one of his eyebrows and we walk out of the utility room.

“Oh, do you know there’s a new flower shop just across our building?” Gun tells me as he fills his second cup of coffee today. I looked out of the window and there were trucks unloading pots and flowers. “And since I know you like gardening a lot, maybe you could check it out.” He suggests as I hear him sip his coffee loudly. “Can you drink a little quieter next time?” I give him a sarcastic look and he gives me the middle finger.

As I have said before, my Pops taught me gardening, but at home, I have a small garden just outside my apartment’s veranda and I also have potted plants inside my bedroom, the living room, and my workroom. It is hard being alone, but they keep me company. The plants remind me of my family, to be honest, and I always talk to them when I have the chance. I may look dumb-looking talking to them but it’s very therapeutic for me. I looked outside again to see the flower shop and I saw someone holding a pot of daffodil in his hands. He’s tall, quite handsome, of course, my type and his Adam’s apple is so prominent. I was so caught up looking at him that I didn’t notice Gun and Off are at my station.

“Jesus, Joseph, and Mary. Would it kill you to at least tap on my desk and not stand there looking like the twins on The Shining?” I tap my chest as it is beating fast. “Off and I are going to have breakfast outside, you want to come?” My stomach grumbles and I think they know my answer. We usually take our breakfast across the street beside the new flower shop. Before it was a hardware store but the owner got bankrupt so they had to close down and as a gardener, I am so happy that finally, a flower shop will be opening soon.

I ordered my usual breakfast which is a bagel and a hot chocolate drink. The couple ordered the same order, a grilled cheese sandwich, and dark coffee. “New, don’t look at us like how our dark coffee tastes like. Bitter.” Gun teases me and drinks his coffee. “And I hope you get palpitations today because you’re already drinking your third cup of coffee.” I retaliated back. As we were eating our breakfast someone familiar enters the coffee shop, and since I was lacking sleep this day, I unconsciously followed him with my eyes.

“Ok, we lost New.” I heard Gun say that. “Yep, his eyes are glued to someone who is not his boyfriend.” Another major emphasis on the word boyfriend and I snapped from my daydreaming. The guy then exited the coffee shop and went next door. “He was moving one of the plants at the flower shop and I just find him cute.” I told them in my defense and they were just looking at me like _‘Yeah, New. Your words, not ours.’_ “I just find him cute, there’s nothing wrong with that.” I stuffed my mouth with the bagel I ordered. “Like how I find Off cute sometimes.” Off gives me a thumbs-up while Gun looks at me like he’s ready to pounce. “Back off you whore.” Gun laughs as he moves his chair near Off. “Don’t worry babe, I’m all yours.” I rolled my eyes at the sight of Gun and Off being lovey-dovey when I received a message from Tong.

“Tong just texted me, he wants me to come to his apartment later tonight.” I was so happy that Tong texted me. I know we talked last night about our current situation right now but he’s been giving me the cold and silent treatment for days now and I am happy we would be able to talk this out clearly and maturely. “I’m kind of nervous for tonight, though,” I told the couple. “Why?” Off asks me. “I don’t know, although I’m happy he wants me to come to his apartment, there’s an inkling that this might turn worse than I expected already.” The table turned quiet, all we could hear is the faint background music of the coffee shop and the murmurs of the customers. The light coming from the sun starts seeping inside the shop and it hits our table, but then a cloud covers it. “New, I hope that what happens tonight, no matter what the outcome is, I hope you’re going to be okay.” Gun stood and gave me a hug.

After breakfast, we went to the building to continue working on our tasks. Both Gun and I are editors in this publishing company. We entered in the same year and since then we have become best friends. The company pays well but it’s not enough to pay my rent and other bills that I need to pay. Growing up alone for almost five years is hard. I thought I would have been accustomed to living alone but let’s not deny the fact that we need someone in our lives to take care of us when we no longer take care of ourselves. I’m not saying I’m neglecting myself but life is hard just like what other people think.

I once again looked out of my window and saw the man I saw holding a pot of daffodil cleaning the window glass outside the shop. “Is he an employee there?” I asked myself. And I remembered what my Pops told me about the meaning of daffodils. “They mean new beginnings,” I whispered to myself. My Pops told me that some new beginnings don’t mean happy beginnings; some are sad beginnings. And I thought to myself that I will buy some daffodils for Tong, hopefully for our new and happy beginning.

**______**

I looked at my watch and it’s already 5 PM and Gun left already. I finished editing some chapters for today and called it a day. I stretched first before putting my belongings in my bag. The room is quiet, I realized I was the only one left on our floor. The sun setting on the west gives the room a vibrant orange color, I looked out of the window and saw birds flying high, I could even see the faint image of the moon just above and the light coming from the planet Venus. As I relish the picturesque beauty of the sky, the flower shop’s lights open and I remembered I need to buy flowers for Tong. I hurriedly went down of the building after switched off the light and said goodbye to the guard at the entrance. I hopped on my bike and rode just across the street. I stepped down on my bike and parked it near the light pole and peeked inside the store.

“What are you looking at?” I didn’t even notice that someone was already beside me, also peeking inside. “Are those chrysanthemums?” Then I looked at the person beside me and it was the owner of the store. “Oh god, I am sorry.” I straightened myself and offered him a handshake. “I haven’t introduced myself yet, my name is New Thitipoom.” I gave the hugest smile, and I think I looked creepy. “I’m Tay Tawan.” He chuckled as he accepted my handshake. His hands were soft like ranunculus’ petals. “Oh, are you an employee here?” I asked him. “Technically, I’m the only employee here, and that makes me the owner also.” He fixed the glasses that really suit him and he is wearing this tight red shirt that emphasized his biceps. Oh, god. I hope he doesn’t notice I’m checking him out.

“Do you want to come inside?” He asked me. “Oh is it open?” I asked him back. “I’m officially opening the shop on Saturday but you can come in so you could see the flowers and plants I’m selling.” He then opens the door and I went in with him. “I’m actually into gardening, so I was happy when y friend told me a new flower shop is opening across our building.” I shyly put my arms behind me and tiptoed a little bit. “That’s great to hear,” Tay said while wiping his sweat. Tay then opened the light to the store and you could see every flower and plant in the store. I was a little giddy. Ok, not a little but I can’t help but scream internally. This is like a safe haven for me.

I first approached the chrysanthemum, and it looked beautiful. “I wanted to plant this kind of flower.” Tay approached me while holding the daffodils I saw this morning. “Well, chrysanthemums have various colors,” He lectured me. “Red chrysanthemums symbolize love and passion, while these yellow ones,” He paused and looked at me, his eyes tired and gloomy and I can feel the heaviness of the air around me, the amber color coming from the setting sun gave him an aura I didn’t understand, it feels heavy yet at the same time light, like he’s a paradox waiting to be read. “They mean neglected love or sorrow.” He then turned around to get some water for the daffodils he is holding.

“What about those daffodils, why are you still holding them?” I sound like I’ve been watching him since this morning. “Daffodils are my parents’ favorite flowers; they met at a flower field when they were young. And they symbolize--.” Before Tay could finish his sentence I cut him off. “New beginnings.” And he smiled. “And where are they now?” I asked him hoping I’m not asking a sensitive topic. “They passed away last year from a plane accident.” I knew I shouldn’t ask him and I very well know that plane accident last year, my friend Earth was on that plane. “I’m sorry.” He turned to me once again. “Well, it’s not your fault,” He paused. “Anyways, these daffodils remind me that even though hope is lost, there is still a chance for us to build new beginnings.” He smiled, and I felt that same feeling yet again, that heavy but light feeling. “But can I buy some daffodils?” I asked him and he was surprised. “Sure.” At first, he was reluctant but he headed straight to the cashier and arranged a bouquet of daffodils for me. And I could see how slow and steady he arranged the flowers in front of me. He’s holding them with precaution and I felt every touch and every caress he did to the daffodil.

“You really know what you’re doing, eh?” I laughed as I watched him put a bow on the bouquet. “Well, I’ve been doing this for two years already, my grandfather taught me to become a florist, so here I am.” He handed me the bouquet and it looks stunning. “You have one lucky girlfriend.” He tells me as he wipes the counter. “It’s a boyfriend, actually.” He looked embarrassed when I told him that. “I’m sorry, I presumed you were straight.” He gave me an awkward smile and I just laughed. “It’s okay. Anyway, how much is this?” I take out my wallet. “Oh, no. It’s in the house since you’re my first customer.” That half-smile of his feels painful. “No, I’ll pay.” I tried reasoning to him that I should pay at least for the labor. “No, I insist, it’s on the house.” I gave in to his desire and just nodded. “Ok, but next time I’ll pay you double if I buy another one.” I gave him a smile and walked towards the exit.

“Will you come on Saturday, New?” His voice sweet and calm like the flowers inside his shop, I can’t help but think that this flower shop and taking care of them is his bed of roses. “I will surely come.” I gave him a thumbs-up and walked out of the shop. I hopped in on my bike and started pedaling going to Tong’s apartment; I stopped for a moment and looked at the flower shop and I saw the lights go out and I gave myself a faint smile. “Daffodils,” I whispered to myself looking at the bouquet of daffodils I just got for free. Grandpa, I met someone who loves flowers as you do. And it reminds me of the days when we would dig new holes for the new flowers you buy every week. You said that I should start anew, turn over a new leaf as they say, and grandpa, I think I will.

I reached Tong’s apartment and the lights are off so I used the spare key he gave me and I entered his room. I texted him that I was already in his apartment but I heard his phone ring. “That guy, he left his phone again.” I scoffed and lay on the sofa. It’s already 6 PM and I haven’t had dinner yet plus, I’m tired at work. I was hoping we could talk earlier tonight so I could go home and rest early. Another hour has passed by and Tong hasn’t arrived yet. I decided to go home and just leave him a note when someone opens the door. I hurriedly run towards the door and saw Tong kissing someone who is not me.

“Let’s talk, my ass.” I grabbed my bag and the bouquet and stormed out of the apartment. “Wait New, I can explain!” Tong grabbed me by the arm and the man whose face he’s gobbling up also ran away. “Ok, Tong. Let me hear your explanation as to why you have your throat shoved inside someone else’s throat!” I was so furious at him; at this point listening to him was useless. “I thought you will not come here tonight.” The audacity of this motherfucker. “Oh, so you’re saying that if I hadn’t come here, you and that guy would be having sex right now?” I pulled my hand from his grip. “So you’re saying that it’s my fault your dick will not get sucked tonight?” People are already passing by his apartment and I don’t care about what they hear. Gun was right; I shouldn’t get myself burned twice with the same flame. “I will not say sorry if you’re not having sex tonight, and I will not say sorry for the things I have done wrong to you.” My voice is already breaking. “You deserved twice the pain I’m feeling right now, I’ve been so understanding to you Tong.” I was pacing back and forth and clenching my teeth. “Yet you still know how to tick me.” I stared at him, my sight cloudy from my tears. “I didn’t listen to Gun when I had the chance, because I love you.” Tong is also crying.

“I love you too, New.” I stopped walking when I heard him say that. “You don’t love me.” I looked at the floor and my tears won’t stop falling. I took out the spare key from my wallet and threw it at him. “Don’t ever show your face to me anymore or else I’ll let Gun kick you in the shin.” I hurriedly went down the building and hopped on my bike to go home. It was already dark and I had to stop first because I might get into an accident. I sat down at the edge of the street tightening my grip onto my chest as I catch my breath.

Every day, life is getting harder and harder by the minute. And when the sun sets and the moon comes up, I would always think that I should start fixing myself and my heart. But I always think of new beginnings like what my Pops told me before. That it is okay to start like a blank page or an empty canvass just that pour your heart and soul to make something out of nothing. _That’s bullshit._ Every day, I’m doing what my Pops told me but I always end up the hurt one. I hold on to the daffodils that I bought and took it home. I put in on a vase and lay it on my work table and stared at it for a full minute.

I sat on my chair and covered my eyes with my arms. I laughed at myself and started crying. My grandpa was right; not every beginning is a happy beginning. And every day as I wake up thinking of my version of a new beginning, I always end up crying myself to sleep, because even now, I can’t make my own beginning. I wiped my tears and looked at the potted elf docks near my window, I smiled thinking about what my grandpa told me about its symbol, I approached the elf dock and caressed its petals and a teardrop fell from my eyes. “When you feel like crying, look at these elf docks,” My grandpa told me years ago. “They represent something inside of us that we sometimes store until it overflows when we’re at our limit. New, elf dock represents tears.” And at the sight of the daffodils, I started crying, again.


	2. Peony

I woke up with my phone ringing on my nightstand. “Hello?” I was still groggy as I sat on the edge of my bed. “Where are you?” Gun was on the other side of the phone. I rubbed my eyes and saw a bottle of wine on my bedroom floor. “I’m home. What do you want?” I asked him as I picked up the bottle. “Uhm, newsflash, it’s Friday and technical we still have work, dumbass!” He hung up the phone and looked at my alarm clock and it’s already 9 AM. I hurriedly went to the bathroom to take a bath and brush my teeth. I decided to get my breakfast across the street once I clock in at work.

Thankfully, the publishing company is only two blocks away from my apartment so I biked fast. Gun was waiting for me outside the building, his arms crossed with an irritated look plastered in his face. “I’m sorry.” I stepped out of my bike and approached him. “Be thankful that Godji isn’t here yet, or else you’re going to get a misconduct behavior.” We went upstairs to finally work on the book we’re editing.

“So why are you late anyway?” He asked me as he hands me a cup of cold coffee, and I suddenly remembered what happened last night with Tong. “I was waiting for him at his apartment when he barged in with someone.” Gun sipped his coffee loud, hinting that he was right. “Ok, fine. You’re right, and I should have listened to you.” I told him. “No, that’s not what I want to hear. What I want to hear is what happened next when you saw him with someone else.” I stood and pour the coffee out of the sink and filled my cup with a hot one. “I told him that I will let you kick him in the shin if we ever see him again.” Gun nodded as he drank his coffee.

“And you got drunk so that’s why you’re late.” He smiled at me hitting me with the truth. “Yup, I realized that I chugged a whole bottle of wine.” I then walked towards my desk. “My head still hurts and I want to eat first before I start editing this chapter.” I rubbed my temples as I opened my laptop. “Ok, I’ll give you ten minutes to settle in first, and then we’ll have breakfast just across the street,” Gun told me, but as soon as he walked away he turned back to me. “New, I’m glad you had the guts to break your relationship Tong, I know it’s painful and hard but I’m here for you.” He gave me an understanding smile.

The whole floor is buzzing with busy people. On the far left corner of the room are the senior editors talking with the authors of the books they are editing. On the other side of the room, we have the interns copy reading some children’s books. Gun’s station is situated two desks away from me but he’d rather go to mine than me going to his because my desk is near the window facing the street where I can see the coffee shop and the flower shop. I like my view here; I can see two worlds in one sitting. We talked about the metaphor of the window near my desk; it was a way to escape our work-life when we’re stressed. It’s like looking out on a peephole trying to discern if we should escape from this messy and shameful life we have.

Gun approached me again with his wallet on his hand. “Let’s go?” I finally settled in and stood as I rubbed my temples. “Why did you drink that much yesterday anyway? I mean I get that you fought and broke up with that guy, but I was hoping you’d be happy also.” Gun doesn’t know what I’m feeling right now. “I know, but not right now please, Gun?” I pouted so he could stop talking about what happened last night. “I even bought him daffodils from the flower shop.” Gun looked at me with a surprised look; he took a step backward and looked at me, head to toe. “And I thought they weren’t opening until tomorrow?” He leaned back while putting his right hand on his chest. “Well, I just bought them for Tong but I ended up taking care of it.” We enter the shop and the smell of coffee and freshly baked loaves of bread, cookies, and cake settles around our noses. “Ugh, I’m starving.” We head to the counter and ordered the usual.

“So going back to our topic. How are you feeling?” Gun sat beside me so he could hear what I am about to tell him. “I told him that I am an understanding person that I tried to forget what he did to me in the past.” I stirred my coffee and took a sip. “He was trying to explain what I saw but I think that was the last straw, to be honest.” I grabbed my knife and fork and started cutting the bagel in bite-sized pieces. “I even threw the spare key he gave to me at him.” I chuckled and took a bite from my bagel.

“Loving too much always kills you, isn’t it?” I looked at Gun who is half-smiling but I can see it in his eyes that he’s worried about me. “It rips you apart and messes up your mind and body, and even your heart.” I took another sip of the hot coffee, it kind of burned my tongue, but that’s a pain I can at least endure. “It leaves you wide awake early at night, then you kind of prayed to the stars above that you wish you never had to feel any feeling.” I sighed at the sound of the door opening and I see Tay entering the shop.

He gave me a nod and went to the counter. “Wait, did he nod at you?” Gun quickly looked back at Tay who is buying his breakfast. “Gun, don’t look at him.” I pinched Gun’s thigh but he’s still pining over Tay. “You have a boyfriend, stop staring!” I grabbed Gun’s face and it looked like I was about to kiss him and Tay turned around. “Stop looking at him.” I was grinding my teeth as I talked to Gun. “But he nodded at you. What was that?” He took a sip in his cup of coffee and leaned forward. “Ok, yesterday I peeked inside the shop and he found me like I was going to rob him.” Gun chuckled. “But I said I wasn’t, that I was into gardening and flowers so I introduced myself to him and it turns out he’s the owner of the flower shop.” Gun again looked behind him but I quickly swatted his hand. “Ouch. Rude.” He retracted his hand and put it on his thigh. “And I asked him if I can buy some flowers, he willingly made me a bouquet of daffodils and get this, it was free of charge.” Gun’s eyes widened. “It was on the house?!” He yells and everybody inside the coffee shop looked at us, even Tay who is now laughing at us.

“Oh my God, Gun.” I facepalmed myself and I mouthed sorry to the customers and Tay. “That was very shameful, Gun,” I told him as I stuffed my mouth with the bagel. A few seconds later, Tay exited the store smiling at us with a cup of coffee in his hand and a paper bag of bread. “Ooh, I know you and Tong have just broken up but this is escalating quickly.” Gun teased me once again. “Those stares, those stolen glances, Taylor Swift’s Illicit Affairs could never.” I hit him on the shoulder because he was already talking too much and he keeps on laughing. “Finish your cake so we could go back to work, silly.”

\------------

After eating breakfast we headed straight back to work. Gun and I were busy editing the book we’re assigned to when an intern approached us. “Hello, Sir New.” His smile was bright and his eyes were narrow. “You can call me New.” I offered a handshake and he happily obliged. “I am Kay. And Godji assigned you as my senior editor.” He handed me a piece of paper from Godji. “What does it say?” Gun looks at the letter Kay gave to me. “Oh, she said that I need to properly train him because she might consider hiring him,” I told Gun and Kay was just standing there, in front of us, actually staring at me. “Ok, grab as sit and you could watch us do our work. You can also take notes if you want.” Kay grabs a chair and sat beside me, he takes out his small notebook and starts jotting down notes as Gun and I work on our manuscripts.

“I need to go to the printing press so I could schedule the printing for this book once we finished the manuscripts,” Gun tells me as he grabbed his notebook and a copy of the book and headed straight to the press. “Where is the printing press?” Kay asked me, and I thought maybe I could tour him around after this. “Ok, since our company is only a three-story building, I’ll tour you around after we finish this.” Kay nodded and we went back working on the manuscript. “Oh try checking this section of the book.” I hand him a copy of the manuscript. “As editors, we are critical readers and lovers of words.” I smiled at him, so does he. “We actually can edit many types of products ranging from magazines, newspapers, blogs, and in our case; books.” I grabbed my bag and lent him my red ball pen. “And it’s a must to have a red ball pen.” He slowly takes the pen out of my hand and began copy reading the manuscript.

“New!” Gun calls me out of nowhere. “I’ll be back, okay?” Kay looks at me and nods. I stood from my chair and approached Gun at the coffee machine. “What’s up? Is there any news about the printing press?” He hands me a cup of coffee. “Yes, they’ll schedule the printing process as long as we give Off a heads up about when we’ll finish the book.” He drinks his coffee and so does I. “So, that new junior intern is cute right?” Gun nudges me with his elbow. “Gun, we just met him and now you’re pairing him up with me?” I looked over the desk and yes, I think Kay is cute, he kind of reminds me of Tong. “Who said I was pairing you up with him?” He looks at me like I was guilty of something. “I mean--.” I stutter. “See, you’re being overly malicious, New. I only said that he’s cute and you’re out here thinking I’m pairing you up with him.” He taps his mug. “Maybe you’re the one unconsciously pairing yourself up with him.” He winks at me that made me scoffed.

“He kind of looks like Tong, to be honest.” Gun slurps, yes, slurps his coffee. “Again, can you stop the habit of slurping your coffee and do it like everyone else?” I roll my eyes and he takes another cup of coffee from the machine for Kay. He does look like Tong, it’s weird and scary that they look the same. I return to my desk to see his progress. “I’m done, New.” He calls me casually; even the way he calls me feels like Tong talking to me. And I know it’s shameful to say this but, I miss him. And don’t blame me if I miss someone even if he cheated on me. I still loved him even with his flaws but I can’t tolerate his cheating anymore. Argh _, I’m a mess. A complete, idiotic, hopeless romantic mess._

“Oh, not bad,” I tell Kay after reading his revisions. “But you missed something here.” Kay moves a little closer to me and I could see Gun looking at us; he then gave me thumbs-up but I gave him the middle finger. “The Oxford comma is a sensitive topic in our company, usually Godji uses this, so whenever you see these sentences,” I encircled a line in the manuscript. “Be sure to put an Oxford comma here.” Kay nods and looks at me quickly after I told him his mistake, and I swear he looks like Tong, it’s making me anxious.

So to distract myself from thinking of Tong, I told Kay that we’re going to have a tour. “I’m just taking Kay to look around the building,” I told Gun, whose feet are atop his desk. “Oh, sure. Have fun.” Again with that teasing wink. “So, let’s head out first to the printing press.” We head down to the basement where the printing processes for our books usually are done. Off, the head of the printing press was checking one of the machines when we arrived there. “New, what brings you here? I just talked to Gun about the printing.” He takes out his gloves and wrote something in his clipboard. “Oh, I’m here to tour Kay.” Kay introduces himself to Off. “Nice, you can show him off but be careful about that machine right there, it’s kind of malfunctioning. I even asked Godji if we have enough funds for another printing press.” He tells us as he goes back to work.

“You see this company is rather old, and the machines we use here are from the ’80s,” I told Kay the history of our company before we head to the first floor. “The first floor is the busiest because all the books from the basement are settled here.” There are tons of boxes of books scattered neatly on the floor. “Quality managers are making sure that every book is not ruined from the printing process and usually the authors of the books come here to look at the final product.” The first floor is bustling, as usual, the smell of freshly printed books fill the room. “This floor looks vintage,” Kay comments and he’s right. Since this company has been here for ages, the walls and interior of the building look old and retro but we, employees, don’t complain. We love the setting of the building.

“The second floor has two departments, into your right is the editors’ department and on the left side are the writers.” While walking, New bumps into his friend Singto. “Hi New, long time no see!” He went for a hug and then Kay introduces himself. “Busy as usual?” I ask him and he just groaned. “One of your editors kept bugging me about revisions.” Oh, I know who he is talking about. “Is it Krist?” He gave me a disgusting look when he heard his name. “Yes, I’ve been struggling to get his approval.” He pouts and I gave him another hug for motivation. Singto doesn’t know this but Krist likes him but my friend is very meticulous and perfectionist about his work, so I get why Singto is almost fed up with him.

“The third floor is the office of the heads, we usually go here for meetings and approvals of our works,” I tell Kay. “We don’t usually hang out here a lot, or in any case, we don’t go here that often. Only if we need to discuss something, in our case, with Godji.” We then went to the rooftop of the building. “And this is everyone’s spot.” I opened my arms and enjoyed the fresh air of our town. I was lucky enough to be part of a quiet, rural town where pollution is not that rampant. So this rooftop is a haven for me. I usually go here when I’m stressed because of my work. And it’s a way to enjoy the sight of the town, the sky, the sun, and the moon and the stars at night. “This feels refreshing.” Kay comments and I see him closing his eyes and inhaling the fresh summer air.

“Why did you want to become an editor?” I asked him. “I wanted to become a writer, to be honest.” He looks at me but then looks at the floor. “But I was never the creative kid at class; I was more like the critical thinker.” I saw him gulped. “I wrote once.” He again looked at me and he sighed deeply. “And I hated it.” He chuckled. “And I know I should try and try and try,” He paused momentarily. “But I already accepted that writing will never be for me until someone taught me about editing.” He smiled and looked at the blue sky. “Then a friend of mine asked for my advice about his story and I helped him develop it.” He cracked his knuckles while looking at the street below us. “With his love and creativity of writing stories and my love for words, we made an impactful story on our campus.” Kay is a fresh graduate from university, along with Godji’s letter that he handed to me, there was a section on the letter that said Kay won a prestigious journalism award for his editing, so that’s why Godji wanted to hire him.

“You know the things or people we love don’t always reciprocate its or their love for us.” I start talking. “I love someone, deeply, and yes, maybe he reciprocated his feeling for me but it’s not whole like what I was doing.” I took out a cigarette and offered him one and he shook his head. “I’m glad you find editing enjoyable as much as I do.” I chuckled. “Thank you for the tour, New.” Kay smiles at me and then headed down to the second floor to help Gun. As I was smoking my cigarette, someone texted me. I opened my inbox and it was Tong. He said he wants to talk to me about what happened the other day, but I am not that gullible and fragile and weak to submit to what he wants. But a part of me wants to listen to him, but then again I don’t want Gun scolding me. I didn’t reply to his message and kept hitting myself in the head and I didn’t notice someone was watching me across the rooftop of the flower shop. It was Tay and he was chuckling. _God, this is so embarrassing._ I waved at him and he waved back.

\------------

After that embarrassing encounter with Tay, I drowned myself working on the manuscript. Godji gave us a heads up about the upcoming deadline of the book and we’re totally behind so Gun and I worked all day, with Kay’s help of course. But since it is Kay’s first day at work, I let him go home earlier than those other junior interns. “You’re not going home yet?” Krist approaches us. “I’ll go home soon, though,” Gun replies, his house is far from the company that is why sometimes Gun goes home earlier than me. “I heard you’re giving Singto a hard time.” I teased him and he blushed. “I am not.” Typical Krist, he’s lying in front of us when his body language says it all. “He’s writing prowess is the best one I’ve seen yet but there are some parts of his story that needs to be revised.” Gun laughs as he put his things in his bag. “Krist, we’re editors and it’s not part of our job description to suggest plots and alternate storylines to the writers.” He drops a truth bomb to Krist. “Just say you like him and go.” We teased him and he gave us the middle finger. “Are you coming?” Gun asks me. “I’m just going to finish this last part of this chapter then I’ll go home.” I bid farewell to the two and just like that, I’m all alone again.

I looked at the clock and it’s already 5 PM. I decided to punch the clock and fixed my things so I could go home. As I was closing the blinds on the second-floor windows in the editors’ department, I saw the lights coming from the flower shop. I hurriedly went out of the building, grabbed my bike, and crossed the street to visit Tay. I peeked inside again and I hope no one thinks of me as a robber. I saw Tay cleaning the counter when he looked at my direction. He ran towards the door and opened it. “Took you long enough to come here.” He gave me the hugest smile ever since we met. “You were waiting for me?” I asked him straightforwardly. “No, I just want to show you a new flower we got.” He seems excited and I went inside his store.

“Tomorrow’s the big day, huh?” I awkwardly walked towards the counter. “Yeah, I’m nervous. I hope people would come and buy it.” He seems panicky, and it’s kind of cute watching him stumble of some pots on the floor. “Sorry,” He smiled and he showed me a new flower. “What’s this?” I asked him. “It’s a peony.” I know what they are. My Pops have this kind of flower in his backyard. “Wait what does it mean?” I asked Tay. “Remember when Gun shouted at the coffee shop?” I nod and I was so embarrassed this morning because of him. “I knew you were talking about me.” He then laughed. His laugh was very unique; it’s contagious, to be honest. “Peonies mean humiliation.” I looked at him confusingly and he hit his head. “Remember what you did to yourself this morning at the rooftop?” I realized Tay was imitating me hitting my head this morning. I hit him in the arm, not hurting him. “Oh god, you’re right, this day has been shameful and embarrassing, at least for me.” I sat at one of the stools in the store.

“Care to share it with this peony?” Tay suggests that I should talk to the flower and I think that was my mistake last night. I should have talked to my flowers instead of drowning myself with a bottle of wine. “Hi, peony.” I start talking to it and looked at Tay. “This is embarrassing you know that?” He just smiled at me and motioned me to just continue what I’m doing. The orange light coming from the lights gave me a sense of melancholia. So I sighed deeply and named the peony ‘Pops’. “Hi, Pops. I broke up with him last night.” I can hear my voice breaking. “I found out that he’s been cheating on me. It’s very shameful that I forgave him not once but twice.” I readied my handkerchief in case I cry. “I was almost late to work because I was drunk.” At that moment I felt like I was alone in the flower shop, I was so caught up with my emotions that I started crying. “And maybe the daffodils I bought for him that night mean a new beginning for me that I need to start a new life without him.” I hiccupped, my line of sight becoming blurry because of my tears.

“Shit, that was embarrassing.” I wiped my tears and looked at Tay who looks worried for me. “Are you sure you’re okay?” He asked me calmly and I just nodded. “Well technically, I’m lying. No, I’m still not okay.” I stood and gave the peony to Tay. “But I hope eventually, that I’m going to be okay.” He takes back the peony in my hands and looked at it. “It’s yours.” He gives back the flower to me. “What? Why?” I asked him with a surprised look. “You need it more than I do.” What does he mean by that? “You even called him Pops, and this peony already heard your feelings, besides I think you’re attached to this peony.” He gave me a faint smile. “You need not bottle up the feelings you are feeling right now, New. It’s okay to cry, it’s not weak to cry.” He gave me a faint smile. “Crying in this messy world we live in means we’re strong that showing our vulnerable side is a sign of bravery.” He continued.

There it is again, that feeling of paradox I felt when I first met him. “Why do I always end up getting free flowers from you?” I jokingly asked him. “Because we share the same love with flowers, so I thought maybe I could share it with you.” I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, but it’s too early to tell. This is just me craving for love after I broke up with Tong, so Tay telling me all of these are just my head playing tricks on me. “Thank you.” That’s the only thing I can reply and I accepted the flower from his hand.

“I need to go home,” I told him and he just smiled. He escorted me out of the shop and opened the door for me. I put the peony in the basket of my bike and hopped on it. “Will you come tomorrow, New?” He asks me, and the light coming from the light pole illumines his face. “I will come, surely.” I waved goodbye and so does he.

I put on my headphones and started riding my bike at the lanes provided for us. _All I Feel and See_ by Any Name’s Okay started playing and thankfully the streets were not busy on a Friday afternoon. See, a paradox. I was crying my way home when I kept remembering Tong and what happened to us last night. I keep thinking about what Tay said, that crying doesn’t equate to weakness but strength, that I can still show my emotions rather than keeping it to myself. _Bottling up._ “Another day is counting down.” The song plays. _“And both my eyes are drowning out.”_ I looked at the peony in my bike’s basket and I bit my lower lip to keep myself from crying. I didn’t have time to dry my tears so I let the summer cold breeze dry my cries.

I reached my apartment and the song finally comes to a sad verse. _“Life’s not what I hoped it’d be.”_ I opened my door and just sat at the floor weeping, shamelessly crying. _“But I’m taking all I feel and see.”_ The song adds another line. _“Is this all that is left of me?”_ I looked at the peony in my hand and started wiping my cold tears. “One lost soul singing happily.” The song comes to a halt and I realized that everything happens for a reason and I should move on from people who don’t bring out the best of us and we must accept finite disappointments in life, but we should never lose infinite hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peonies can also mean shame. disgrace, sink, lower.


	3. Edelweiss

“Wait what?” My eyes widened when I received an e-mail from Godji. I grab my phone to call Gun. “Hey, did you see the e-mail from Godji?” I asked him to open his e-mails to read what she sent to us. “What the fuck?” He screams on the other line. “The deadline is on Monday?” He yells again, I just hope my right ear won’t bleed. “What a motherfucking surprise on a Saturday morning.” He sighs. “And I thought this day would be my rest day.” I leaned back on my chair and looked up in my ceiling. “It’s the flower shop’s opening day today.” Gun reminds me and I almost forgot about that. Last night, I cried myself to sleep and I feel freshened when I woke up but to wake up with an e-mail saying our deadline is bumped until Monday, that’s even more devastating.

“It even says, ‘I hope this e-mail finds you well’.” Gun reads the last part of the e-mail. “Well, guess what, it didn’t fucking find me well. Ugh.” I hear him groan on the other line and I can’t stop chuckling. “Ok, here’s our plan, let’s visit Tay’s shop and we could work on the manuscript at the coffee shop.” He suggests. “Or we could ask the guard in our building if we could work inside our office?” I suggest as I close my laptop and readied my things before heading to the shower. “That’s doable. Just bring all the manuscripts you have and I’ll bring mine.” Gun then hangs up the phone and I went straight to the shower.

I really like cold showers on a hot summer morning; it makes me forget what happened last night. After breaking down in front of my door, I wallowed myself while eating dinner. And honestly, I looked like a fool. I then went straight to bed last night and cried myself to sleep. I didn’t even have the chance to change the covers of my pillows. Tay was right when he told me that crying helps and it did. Although I’m not really over Tong yet, I just wish this heavy feeling inside my chest goes away soon, and I hope I can find someone who I can share this with. I stepped out of the shower and dressed casually today. I looked at the peony Tay gave me last night and talked to it again. “Hi Pops, today I’m feeling kind of light unlike what I felt last night.” I grab the small vase and sat at the edge of my bed. “I’m just wishing that today life will be full of surprises, the good kind of surprise, not the other way around.” I bit my lower lip while smiling. I grabbed my bag and my keys to the apartment and went to the flower shop to meet the gang.

“You’re early today.” Off was already there in front of the shop waiting for Gun. “Well, you’re also early.” I gave him a hug. “Yeah, I wanted to buy flowers for Gun.” He flashes a wide smile and his eyes disappear when he does that. “Is our building open today?” I asked him. “No, the doors are locked. I already checked it because Gun told me your deadline for the book is on Monday.” He takes out his phone when it rang. “Oh, hi babe.” It was Gun calling him. “Yeah, the building is closed.” I looked at the flower shop’s door and the sign says it’s closed. “Yes, New is already here.” After he said that he laughed. “Wait, what did he say?” I whispered to Off. “He says you’re getting too mushy and too attached with the florist,” I swear I’m going to whipped Gun’s ass when I see him today. “Ok, ok. Take care. I love you.” Ugh. Gross. People in love stink.

“New!” Someone behind me calls my name. It was Kay, my junior editor. “What brings you here?” I asked him. “I received Godji’s e-mail also; apparently I’m now part of the book project.” What the hell Godji! “She said that?” I looked surprised when Kay told me about Godji’s message to him. “I came here to check if the building is open so I could get a copy of the manuscript of the book so I could help you guys.” Oh, not only he is cute, charming, and smart, he’s also thoughtful. It reminded me of Tong when we started dating. I instantly shake my head to brush away that thought. “Sadly, the building is locked so Gun and I thought of staying in the coffee shop to work on it.” After a few minutes, Gun arrived at the scene. “Wait, it’s not open yet?” He closes the door to his car and walks towards us. “Oh, there he is.” Off points behind us and we see Tay biking towards his shop. “You’re a little early, aren’t you?” He talks to me like the three people behind me are not there. “Uhm, aah--.” I stutter a little bit. “New, use your words,” Gun whispers behind me. “Shut up.” I hit him with my elbow.

“We’re here because Gun and I are working on the manuscript, and I didn’t know what time you’ll be opening so, there’s that.” I shyly put my arms behind me and swayed like from left to right. Tay radiates like the sun this morning. He’s wearing this yellow sweater and suits him, even his glasses match his outfit today. “Well, I’m here now so I guess I could open the shop for business already.” He smiled and grabbed the keys to the shop. As he opens the shop, there were townsfolks gathering in flocks to Tay’s store. “Seems like a busy first day ahead for him.” Off tells me. “And why are you telling me this?” I asked him. “I know what love looks like when a person stares at you.” I don’t really get what he means so I gave him a confusing look. “When someone looks at you openly, it means they find you attractive, but when you avoided Tay’s gaze that means you feel something for him.” He side glances at me while I can feel my face getting warmer.

Do I like Tay, or is this just me feeling the post-heartbreak syndrome? It’s where I think I’m in love with this person because I need to fill in the gap that happened when I broke up with Tong. I don’t really know. I don’t understand myself right now, but all I know is Tay taught me a lot of things since we first met. He taught me about new beginnings and that crying is okay. He didn’t judge me when I poured my feelings out to a flower. It’s too early to tell but he understands me. “I get what you mean Off.” I look at him. “But right now, it’s too early to tell my broken heart to start loving again.” He puts his arm around my shoulder. “That’s good buddy, mend your heartstrings first before plucking it to make good music.” He smiled and we enter the store.

The interior of the store is different in the dusk. It’s much livelier in the morning, like different colors of flowers mix and matches the walls of the shop. Elderlies and some adult young men enter the shop, probably buying flowers for their loved ones, deceased and alive. “Are you sure you’re going to man the store alone?” I asked him while Tay puts on his apron. “Why, would you like to help me, Thitipoom?” He leaned over the counter and gave me a smile and my heart almost jumped out of my chest. “I need to go to work.” I quickly turn away so he wouldn’t see the embarrassing face I’m making. “Yuck, New, stop making that face.” Gun looks disgusted at my face. “Whatever, let’s just go next door and work on the manuscript.” I waved at Tay so he could take care of the shop. I saw Off buying some roses for Gun but he shushed me. I grabbed Kay by the hand so we could go working on our manuscript. I was still caught up by how Tay called my name, casually, like how winds blow dandelions, naturally.

“New! Earth to New!” Gun snapped his fingers and I snapped out of my thinking. “I’m sorry what?” I looked at Gun and he rolled his eyes. “I was asking if I should order your usual breakfast.” He asked me and I nod. Kay was already working on the manuscript. I looked at him and he has this poker face on. Tay calling me casually like that doesn’t mean anything, besides I’m still trying to move one from Tong. _Yes, it’s just me overthinking things. Skeptical New Thitipoom_

“Here are your orders.” Gun placed the tray on our table and we started digging in. “Oh, yeah since the deadline is moved on Monday, we should at least finish these remaining chapters for today,” Gun suggests while eating his grilled cheese sandwich. “But, there are at least 9 chapters more.” Kay looks worried, while Gun and I looked done. Gun rummages through his bag when he cursed. “Shit, I forgot something.” I gave him a look that screams _‘seriously’._ “You’re the one who told me to pack the entire manuscript and you’re out here forgetting something.” I teased him; he takes out his phone and called his little brother. “Chimon, can you get the manuscripts on the third drawer of my desk at my room?” Gun’s brother Chimon is taller than him, that’s why some people tease him for being the elder brother but lacking height, however, Off finds Gun’s height cute. “I already asked Chimon to bring the manuscript I left.”

After an hour waiting for Chimon, he finally comes in with an envelope. “Here’s your manuscript.” He sarcastically gave it to his brother. “Thank you.” Gun sarcastically smiled at his brother but he treated him for some breakfast. “Just order what you want, here take my wallet.” Although they get into each other’s throat, Gun loves his brother so much, that is why he trusts him even with his wallet, but I don’t think he trusts him with his life. “You know he’s going to spend all your money,” I warned him. “Let him try and I’ll snap his fingers one by one.” Gun is very gruesome in theory but luckily never in practice. He likes threatening his brother, me, and Off but he’ll never hurt a fly unless it’s Tong.

“Here.” Chimon returns Gun’s wallet and sat beside Kay and Gun. “So where is Off?” He asked his brother while literally filling the whole page with red marks. “He’s next doors.” He replied curtly while holding the sandwich on one hand, while the other encircling and paraphrasing the chapter of the book. We were so engrossed at finishing this chapter for today that we were on the zone the whole time. The bell of the store suddenly chimed and enters a new face from town wearing the same apron Tay wears on his shop. “Uhm, ok, first of all, yum.” Chimon glued his eyes to the young man who walked past our table to go to the counter. He had these deep dimples on each side of his cheeks and the same glasses Tay wears. “Maybe he’s Tay’s employee?” I shrugged and went on about working the manuscript while Kay asked me for my help. “Well, I should meet Off next doors.” Gun quickly looks at his brother, judgingly. “Just say you want to flirt with that boy you just saw and go.” Chimon smiled at his elder brother, got up from his chair, and went next doors.

“Are you still caught up by Chimon’s ex-boyfriends?” I asked him and his face turned sour. Gun never liked Chimon’s past boyfriends, which is why he’s very protective of his brother. “I get that my brother is smart but sometimes he’s too dumb to see other people’s flaws, especially if it’s his boyfriend.” Last year, Chimon’s boyfriend used him into getting a scholarship for university, after that he broke up with him. Chimon, a fragile but confident young man went into numerous episodes of depression, because of a boy. And I am not invalidating his feelings, I feel him. When I broke up with Tong, the first thing I did was to drown myself with wine and almost went to work late. _It sucks. The feelings suck. Life sucks._

“I am not prohibiting him to see other people; it’s just that I want him to be careful.” Gun looked worried while looking at the manuscript in front of him. “And like what I’ve always told you, New, I hope that the people we meet in the future or even now,” He paused and asked Kay’s attention. “Have the same heart as we all do. I just hope they would treat us like the way we treat them, with love and respect.” He sipped on his black coffee.

\-------------

Maybe you’re thinking about how we ended up working on a coffee shop the whole day without the manager getting suspicious. It’s because we’ve been regular customers that Wave, the manager of the coffee shop, lets us stay there the whole day. “God, I didn’t think we could finish six chapters today in one sitting.” Gun stretched his arm while Kay massages his shoulders. “We have three chapters more and we could each take home one chapter?” I suggested to them and they agreed. For a junior intern like Kay, I’m glad he’s diligent and industrious. A committed person to be exact, _like not Tong._

We packed up our things, cleaned the tables, and bid our farewell to Wave. “Who knew sitting all day could be this tiring.” Gun groaned while we walk to the flower shop. “New,” Kay called my name. “I need to go home, it’s getting dark already.” I forgot, Kay lives far from here, he usually takes the subway to get home. “Sure, just email me your work later or maybe tomorrow.” I gave him my e-mail address and he waved goodbye to us. “That kid, his aura seems familiar but I can’t put my finger on it.” I know exactly what Gun is trying to say. “You mean he seems like Tong?” Gun’s face lit up when he heard that unspeakable name. “Oh, yes!!” He exclaimed and opened the door to the shop. “Now I get why I was pairing you up with him, but now that I know he seems like Tong, just forget him.” Ladies and gentlemen, what you’re witnessing is Gun’s duality. As we enter the shop we saw Off sitting at one of the chairs in the shop waiting for Gun. “Were you here the whole day?” He asked his boyfriend. “Yes, Chimon and I volunteered the whole day because there were so many customers on the first day.” I turned to the counter and saw Chimon coming out from the back office. “Oh, hey Gun, New! Look it’s a betony.” Chimon showed me a potted plant called betony. Gun looked surprised as to why his brother is wearing an apron from Tay’s shop. “Maybe I could part-time here.” Gun face palmed himself. “This day is full of surprises is it?” I whispered to myself. “Tay told me betonies mean surprise.” That explains why. Tay and the young man we saw at the shop this morning stepped out from the back office as well.

“Oh, you’re all here.” Tay removes the gloves from his hand and wipes his sweat using his apron. “Let me introduce to you my son.” _Wait, did I hear that right?_ I quickly turned to Gun and I almost felt my neck was about to snap. “Just kidding, he’s my brother, Nanon.” The young man then offered a handshake to Gun and I. _Wait, why am I happy that this is his brother, not his son._ “Hi, I’m New Thitipoom.” I gladly shook his hands and Gun introduced himself next. I was about to lose my shit if this boy is Tay’s son because that means Tay is already married and all of that wishful thinking was just me falling in love with him! _Get yourself together, Thitipoom!_ I mentally hit myself in the head and just smiled at Tay who is resting himself at the counter.

“Anyway, we’re going to go now.” Gun grabbed Chimon and Off and they exited the store. “So how about you, you’re not going home yet?” Tay asked me and sat on a chair. “Why, you don’t want me here?” _What the fuck are you saying, Thitipoom?_ “It’s not that, I mean your friend just left, and you worked the whole day, so it’s best if you rest for the rest of the night.” He grabbed a towel on the counter and wiped his hands. “I like it here.” _Are you trying to flirt with him Thitipoom?!_ Tay chuckled as I replied to him and Nanon said goodbye to his brother and left the store minutes after Gun, Chimon, and Off went home.

“So, it’s just the two of us again.” _Again._ I like hearing him say that, that it’s just the two of us again. “How are you holding up?” He asked me as he grabs his chair closer to mine. It was already 5 PM in the afternoon and the sun is already setting. The light inside was quaint; it’s neither loud nor soft. It was subtle, you could see how his face lights up whenever he talks with me, and I can’t help but think to fall deeper the first time he saw me cry. “I’m trying my best to move on,” I replied to him, I looked down so he could not see I’m at the edge of crying. “But it’s hard when you keep thinking about where you went wrong.” I bit my lower lip to hold back my cries. “The doubts seep in into your skin at 3 AM and it stays there until you cut and bleed yourself out.” I sighed and I can’t help but cry, again in front of him. “Cry if you need to.” Tay looked at me in the eyes and it felt like he was untangling the messy life I already have. “Let it out.” I start covering my eyes and leaning forward, clenching my heart, and catching my breath. “Just open up to me.” Tay hugged me while I cried in his arms. This is a surprise, at least for me. I never knew Tay was a hugger and one of my love languages is physical contact, so Tay hugging me made me cry another bucket of tears.

“Here’s a flower for you, New.” Tay picked a flower from one of the potted plants in his store. “It’s an edelweiss.” It was a white flower that appears wooly and covered with white hairs. “What does it mean?” I chuckled while wiping my tears. “My grandfather said they mean courage.” I looked at him and I don’t understand what he wants to tell me. “It takes a lot of courage to cry, you know that?” He stood from his chair and tended to his flowers. “The things I’ve told you yesterday, please bear that in mind. It’s okay to cry, New.” He smiled at me and the lights coming from the store hit his eyes and I could see it’s starting to swell with tears. I stood and gave him a hug like what he did to me. “Well, maybe it’s your turn.” I softly whispered to his ear. And I could hear him crying, it sounded painful and heavy but light at the same time. A paradox, if I may repeat.

He broke the hug first and wiped his tears. “I’m sorry.” His voice was deep and faint. “You don’t have to say sorry.” I gave him a feeble smile. “Thank you for tonight, New.” Now, he’s smiling. His eyes are red and his cheeks puffy. I said goodbye to Tay and hopped on my bike to go home. As I was riding my bike, I thought of what Tay said to me about being courageous, and I think he’s right about that. Most people run away from their difficulties because they are still denying everything about those, some chose to ignore them but a few people face their own problems. I looked at the edelweiss he gave me and I just smiled thinking that I am brave enough to conquer my own problems, but with a little help from my friends, I’m surely going to win this fight with my inner saboteur. And why should I be sad that Tong and I broke up? Of course, I loved him but although I lost someone who I think didn’t love me, it’s his loss that he lost someone who loved him.


	4. Betony

Monday came in a blur. I’m glad that we finished the manuscript on time. Godji contacted the author of the book before mass producing it for the masses. “Ugh, I’m glad we’re done with that book.” Gun sighed as he took a sip from his mug. “Well, lucky for you two, you already reached your quota for this month.” Krist was at my desk copy reading Singto’s work. “Well, if you hadn’t been so uptight with Singto, you could’ve been chilling with us right now,” I told him, he just looked at me with glaring eyes, the ones who can cut through glass. “Why can’t you just tell him your feelings?” Gun suggested and Krist quickly glared at him, too. “You think it’s easy for someone like me to tell my own feelings to him?” He sulked while sighing.

Krist has been pining over Singto in a year now. Ever since they met during an acquaintance party of the company, Krist fell head over heels for him. But he’s afraid to tell him the truth, heck, he’s afraid of rejection. But aren’t we all, afraid of rejection? “I’m afraid that he’ll hate me once I tell him I like him.” He continued. “And don’t get me wrong, I’ve already thought of telling him but whenever I am face to face with him, I stutter.” He side glanced in my direction. “And then I put on this façade that I don’t even like.” He chuckled. “It’s like I’m a different person when I am in front of him and I don’t want that.” The two of us fell silent after Krist said that. He is a sentimental person, he values people a lot, even their time, presence, and efforts. But when it comes to people he loves, especially, the writer next door, Singto, he gets short circuits in his brain.

“Ok, let me tell you this.” Gun stood from his chair and approached Krist. “This is just a suggestion and I’m not saying you should go through this all alone.” He paused and looked the both of us. “Tomorrow night there will be a concert at the Andromeda Grounds. I thought we could go there and invite him.” Krist blushed a little. “Tell him what you really feel, and I’m not forcing you to do this, but if it bothers you at night thinking that he might get taken by someone not you,” I told him and he looked at me, pouting like a kid. “Say it before it’s too late,” Gun spoke. “Say it before you run out of time.” I cut him. “Say what you’re feeling. Waiting is a mistake.” Gun continued his piece of advice and it hit me when he said waiting is a mistake.

When I was dating Tong, I waited for his answer and I was happy to hear him say yes. I was ecstatic. But when he cheated on me, I tried questioning myself if I should give him a chance or not, and I did give him chances. But I was too naïve and dumb to wait for him to cheat on me again when I could’ve just broken up with him the first time around. It’s true, waiting is a mistake. “Off and I will come to the concert, so as New.” Gun looked at me and gave me a smile. “So you need to invite Krist after you finish copy reading his work.” Wait, I got to be the fifth wheel? “Wait, hold on. I’m the only one who doesn’t have a partner.” I can hear Gun chuckled.

“You can invite Kay if you want.” I looked at Kay who was working with another editor after he was done helping us. “You think he would come?” I asked Gun and Krist. “Well, you could try asking him.” I like Kay; he seems like a nice person. He’s steadfast and smart. He’s ambitious and very professional, he listens to my pieces of advice about editing and always there when I needed help. _Always there when I needed help._ I looked out of my window and remembered Tay, the florist across the street. “I have someone in mind,” I whispered to myself.

“So since y’all not busy, help me with Singto’s work,” Krist asked for our help. Singto is a children’s book author, right now he’s working on a story about a lion and a turtle. Krist seemed to like the story but he said some parts are cliché, so he ‘suggested’ a lot of things that irritated Singto. “I like this story, Krist,” Gun told Krist who was busy copy reading a page of the book. “The turtle reminds me of you, slow and steady, also introverted at times.” Krist stuck his tongue out to tease Gun. “And Singto reminds me of this lion; brave and outgoing.” Krist doesn’t know this but we’re already teasing him and we could see his face getting redder by the second.

“Do you think Singto wrote this with you in his mind?” I asked him and he quickly turned to me. “No way.” He scoffed, denying everything he just heard. “Pfft, Singto doesn’t like me.” He seemed confident when he told us that but Gun and I think that this is Krist denying his feeling and denying the possibilities that Singto likes him. “When is your deadline anyway?” I asked him. “Today, that’s why I asked for your help since you don’t have anything to do right now.” To be honest, I should be home right now, we actually have the option of staying at home or going to the company but I have been accustomed to working here and I don’t want to bring the stress of my work at home so I always come here even when I don’t have anything to do. “Here, I’m finished with this part.” Gun handed Krist the page and so did I. “There, I’m done.” Krist arranged the papers and went to see Singto. “Good luck.” Gun teased him and gave him two thumbs-up but Krist took this as sarcasm that’s why he made a face to Gun.

“I can’t wait for him to confess to Singto, let’s see if he could still make that face.” Gun and I went to the printing press so we could see the progress of the book. “Oh, it’s not done yet the machine that was printing the book suddenly malfunctioned.” It was the same machine that I pointed out when I toured Kay. “I asked the head if we could have a brand new printing machine but they shrugged the idea of it.” Off was checking the machine, it was almost as old as the company and the building, it was rusty, it seems like it’s going to give up. “That looks like an accident waiting to happen.” Gun looks terrified as it made a sound. “Are you sure that’s safe?” He’s worried about his boyfriend because he’s always managing and tinkering on the machines in the basement.

“Right now, I don’t think it’s safe. That is why I’m printing the copies of the books at the other machines; hopefully, someone can look at this bad boy.” Off slapped the machine and it made another sound that made the workers looked at our direction. Since Gun and I were basically free the whole day, we decided to take a half-day. We informed Godji about the progress of the book and said goodbye to our dear friend Krist, who was working with Singto when we passed by the writers’ department. “I can’t stop laughing at Krist’s situation right now.” Gun chuckled as we exited the building. Just across the street, Tay was cleaning the shop’s window. “Hey, I’m going to the flower shop.” Gun side-eyed me. I know that look, I know what he’s thinking and he’s thinking wrong. “It’s not what you think, I’m going there as a friend.” Gun nodded sarcastically. “Sure, New. It’s your words, not mine.” Gun then hailed a bus to go home. He usually rides his car on the way to work but his brother, Chimon, used it today so he’s commuting. And as for me, I can’t afford to buy a car right now.

“Hey, Tay!” He stopped cleaning the window and turned to me. “Hello, Thitipoom.” _Wow, that’s new._ He usually calls me by my nickname New and not casually like what he just called me. “Busy day?” I asked him and he motioned that I come inside of his store. “Pretty much.” He removed the gloves from his hand and laid it in the counter. “I’ve already accepted doing deliveries.” He smiled and leaned on the counter while I take a sit and talk with him for a moment. “Will Nanon do the deliveries then?” I asked him while I set my leather bag on the counter too. “No, I’ll be hiring delivery men, so they could do the task while Nanon and I work on the flower arrangements and such.” He chuckled and offered me water. It was already 1 PM and the sun is scorching hot outside. The asphalt road was burning outside, luckily, Tay’s shop is cool inside. There were a few customers walking around the store. “Excuse me, can I get these?” An old woman approached the counter and Tay arranged the flowers she got. “Who are these for?” Tay talking to an elder woman was so satisfying. He’s very gentle with his words, and even on how he handled the flowers she was buying. Basically, he is a gentleman, and I can’t help but stare at him the whole time.

“It’s for my husband.” Tay gave the woman a huge smile. “He must be lucky.” The woman also smiled but lowered her head. “He already passed away, but I still visit him though.” She handed Tay the payment for the flower bouquet. “And when my neighbors told me that a flower shop was opening, I just knew I needed to buy my husband a bouquet of flowers.” Tay walked over the counter and gave the old woman a hug. “Thank you for opening this shop.” The old woman puts her hand on Tay’s right cheek and whispered something. She then walked over the door and exited the store. “What did she say?” I asked curiously, but Tay was just looking at me. “Why? Are you curious?” I nodded but he didn’t answer me back. He went to get the broom and started cleaning the place and I followed him around. “Tay, what?” I chuckled as he sweeps the floor. “What do you mean what?” He looked at me smiling. “What did she say?” He keeps on chuckling; a few of the customers are now looking at us. I gave the people inside the shop a ‘ _we’re not flirting’_ look.

“If you’re really interested in knowing what she said,” He stopped sweeping and took me where the betonies are. “Why are we here?” I whispered so no one could hear us, but us. “If you’re really that curious to know what that old woman said to me, let’s go to the concert tomorrow.” _WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING ON THIS DAY?_ I was literally screaming inside when Tay asked me out! _Y’ALL IT’S OVER, Y’ALL NEED TO GO HOME._ But of course, I looked like I was not interested in coming with him. “What?” I said calmly on the outside while I internally scream. “I said, let’s go to the concert tomorrow.” Tay was half smiling and my heart is already beating this loud. How much more if he smiles and I can see his gum lines

“I’ll think about it.” _WTF._ “Yeah, I’ll think about it.” _What a joke._ “Sure, I’ll wait for your response.” He winked at me and continued sweeping the floor. I said goodbye to him and headed outside before he sees my overly red face. I quickly rode my bike and headed to the mall to buy new clothes for tomorrow. _What am I even thinking? Am I trying to look good for our date tomorrow? I didn’t even answer him and here I am thinking about what clothes I should wear tomorrow night. Get your head out of the gutter, New. It’s just a friendly date. Wait, but he never mentioned the word ‘date’? So it’s not a date right?_ I looked dumb riding my bike smiling like a clown, which I am with my squeaky clown shoes and red puffy nose.

The mall was just near the company, approximately five blocks away, so riding my bike is the most convenient thing to do. I parked my bike at the bike rack and put a lock in it. I hurriedly went to the clothing stores to try on some new clothes when I saw Gun and Off. “How dare you?” I crossed my arms while they were eating ice cream. “I thought you were at work?” I asked Off. “Yes, it’s lunchtime so I just went out with Gun.” That makes sense. “And I thought you went home already?” I turned my focus on the little one eating a three-scooped vanilla ice cream. “Well, since Papi and I are going to the concert tomorrow, I’ll be buying some new clothes.” Gun has already a huge closet in their house but he still needs to buy new clothes every time he and Off go out on a date. “And why are you here?” Well, that escalated quickly, I turned away swiftly but Off caught me by the collar. “Ok, fine. I’m also buying new clothes.” I whispered so they can’t hear me.

“What?” Gun put his hand on his ear and asked me one more time. “I said I’m also buying new clothes.” Gun’s jaw dropped when he realized something. “Wait, did Kay asked you out?” I gave him a look that screams ‘really’. “No, you idiot, besides, he’s too young for me,” I said in my defense as we walk together to the store. “Then who?” Gun and Off don’t have a clue Tay asked me out and it should stay that way. “No one asked me, I just wanted to look good when we go to the concert tomorrow.” Gun rolled his eyes and thank God he believed what I said.

We entered the store and started looking for clothes. Gun was trying every cute shirt he sees. He’s even trying those oversized shirts and Off was just giving him thumbs-up whenever he flashes the clothes. “Ohh, that’s cute.” He remarked Gun’s outfit and here I am looking like a sad potato. “Can you at least help me decide?” I groaned so Gun and Off can read the room. “Why did you not ask Kay to come with you though?” Gun teased me while I was changing clothes; he’s adjacent to my fitting room. “I told you, I don’t look at Kay like that, besides he’s a junior,” I complained for the nth time. “Well, I think I found my clothes, TADA!” I heard Gun stepped out of his fitting room and I peeked, he’s wearing this neon green oversized shirt and fit him and Off was looking at him like he’s falling in love again. I want that kind of relationship, no lust but pure admiration.

“Hey, New, let me see what you picked.” I stepped out from the fitting and room and showed them the clothes I tried, I did a little spin and the looks on their faces say otherwise. “If you’re aiming to look like a desperate bachelor looking for a househusband, then congratulations, good job.” Gun teased me and my jaw dropped, I didn’t know he could read me like that, shady. “But if you want something that you’ll be confident in wearing then try something minimal like a white shirt or long sleeves, a sweater if you like that, pants and a cap.” Gun really knows his fashion style, so I headed out again to fight something that I really like. I wore them and shows it to Gun and Off. “See, you look like you’re single and ready to mingle.” I looked at him and mouthed ‘seriously’. “I am single Gun.” God, don’t state what is already obvious. We paid for the clothes we bought and Off headed back to work while Gun and I strolled around the mall.

While strolling around the mall, we saw Kay at one of the boutique shops. “Kay!” Gun called his name, hoping he won’t tease me with him. “Hi, New. Hi Gun.” He approached and wave at us. “What are you doing here?” I asked him, he looked like he went shopping too. “My cousin and I were shopping and he treated me with some brand new clothes.” Kay looked happy when he showed as the paper bags he’s holding. “Where’s your cousin?” Gun asked him and to our surprise, someone familiar from the store approached Kay. “Oh, yeah, this is Tong, my cousin.” I quickly grabbed Gun’s arms because I know he’s about to flip out on Tong. “Hi, Tong.” Gun smiled, not the kind of smile that seems happy or glad, you know when the serial killer of the movie snaps out and starts killing people that was the vibe I was getting when he flashed that smile.

I fucking knew it! That’s why Kay seemed familiar. “Hi, New.” Tong’s voice was calm and collected. “Wait you know him?” Kay looked at his cousin. Well, things really just escalated. “Well, I--.” Before Tong could finish what he was about to say I butted in. “We’re acquaintances.” I felt Gun’s grasp in my arm, and it really hurts. “Yeah, I met him at a convention once last year.” I lied again and I know Gun will beat me with his words later today. “Yeah, what he said.” Tong played along. “Oh, that’s nice. Anyways, we are going to the concert tomorrow, I hope you guys can come too.” Tong was looking at me, no staring at me. I can see him in my peripheral vision while I’m talking with Kay. Gun, on the other hand, was glaring at him and if looks could kill, the three of us would be the prime suspect for this murder investigation. And we would flag Kay as the killer, I’m sorry.

“Actually, we’re going to the concert too,” Gun replied to Kay removing his attention to Tong. I looked at him and his eyes tell me he’s sorry about what he did, but I don’t still trust him even when I want to listen to his explanation. “Can we talk?” I heard him whisper to me, he’s careful so Gun wouldn’t hear him. “We can’t, Tong,” I replied, being careful also. After Gun talked with Kay, he pulled me aside and we said goodbye to the two of them. Clearly, Tong has a plan talking to me tomorrow night, and I’m not sure if I can handle tomorrow’s events well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betonies mean surprise!


	5. Heather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: depression, specifically, acute depression is mentioned here

“You’re nervous about tonight?” Gun asked me as he was busy checking the files on his desk. “Why are you nervous about a concert? And it’s not like you have any dates for later.” He looked at me and I was just staring at him, dead in the eyes. “Wait, you have a date with someone?” _BINGO, Gun Atthapan wins!_

“Yes, I have a date or not. He didn’t specify that it was a date, he just asked me if we could go to the concert tonight.” Gun popped his tongue and felt giddier that me. “Who is this unlucky bastard!?” He kept on laughing at me and Krist approached us. “I asked him out.” He broke the news to us, and I swear both Gun and I simultaneously turned to him.

“Oh my God!” Gun kept squealing and hiding his excitement as some of our co-workers looked at us. “What did he say?” He asked our anxious friend. “Well, he was reluctant at first; he was scratching his head for a second then he agreed.” He smiled, forcibly. “That means he likes you too, dumb ass.” Gun ‘figured’ Singto’s body language. “How do you know that?” Krist asked him.

“Ask that to yourself, dummy. Love is not about knowing, it’s about feeling.” Gun pointed Krist’s heart. “So, when you asked him, what did you feel when he answered yes?” Krist was taken aback with Gun’s question. “I-I don’t know.” He stutters. “See, you said ‘know’, when I said ‘feel’.” He lectured the poor guy. “I felt happy and ecstatic.” Krist then smiled. “That’s more like it!” Gun patted Krist at the back and he quickly turned to me. “You must think I forgot what we were just talking about.” He crossed his arms and sat at the chair in front of my desk.

“So who is this unlucky bastard?” Krist tilted his head to the side, and I could see he was also curious. “Wait, someone asked you out?” That felt shady. “Yes,” I whispered so no one can hear us. “Who?” Gun and Krist leaned over so they could hear what I am about to say but I only looked outside the window where the flower shop is located.

“Wave?” Krist hissed. “Wave asked you out?” Sometimes, I want to hit Krist in the head, but that means he’s going to lose more brain cells if I ever did. “Oh my God!” Gun screamed and they looked at us. “I’m sorry, guys. False alarm.” He kept lowering his head and saying sorry to some of our senior editors.

“Tay, the motherfucking florist, asked you out?” Gun was more excited than I am, but to answer his question I just nodded and he kept on squealing in his seat while Krist covered his mouth. “You have known him in what, a week, and he already asked you out?” He took a sit from a nearby desk and sat with us.

“Well it happened behind the betonies in his shop and he asked me out. And not exactly a date-date, but I think it’s only a friendly date.” I tried reasoning to them because I don’t want to get my hopes up. “Friendly date my ass.” Gun leaned back in his chair and scoffed.

“He likes you.” Gun curtly told me, no pauses, no batting of eyelashes, just plain _‘he likes you’_. “You’re jumping into conclusions, Gun.” Krist defended me. “But I think he’s right.” _Or not_. “He clearly likes you, New,” Krist told me while leaning back and clicking his red pen. “And he clearly likes you, too.” Gun teased Krist about Singto. “Stop.” Krist turned red after Gun annoyed him.

“Anyways, Off texted me that the printing of the book got postponed again because two of the machines are not working right now.” Those machines are pestering our schedule. The release of the book should have been this week but it’s pushed back at the end of the month.

“I just think we need a new machine and the old ones need to go,” Krist commented on the topic. “The head doesn’t want to because those machines are part of the company’s history,” I noted them the history of the company. “But I sure hope it won’t blow up.” Gun crosses his fingers so they could print the books faster.

As we were talking to each other, Singto enters our department, and Krist’s back was turned to the door and he doesn’t know Singto is behind him. Gun and I were holding back ourselves from laughing. “What?” He was so clueless. “Uhm, Krist can you check the final copy of the book?” He quickly turned to see Singto smiling at him.

He quickly grabbed the copy in his hands and turned back to us. I swear he was red as a can of tomato. And when I looked at Singto, he was red as well. _WHAT THE FUCK? IS THIS SKINNY LOVE OR SOMETHING? THEY ARE IN LOVE!_ My jaw dropped when I noticed this so I motioned to Gun to look at Singto and his jaw dropped when he also noticed this.

“Yes, the edits that are made are already corrected, you can pass it to your head.” Krist shyly gave back the copy to Singto. “Thank you,” Singto replied back. “See you at the concert, Singto!” Gun waved at him and Krist gave Gun a look that screams _‘what the fuck are you doing?’_.” Singto lowered his head and just smiled at us.

“What the hell, Gun?” Krist covered his face due to embarrassment. “He will never love me back.” Here comes Debbie-downer again. “Cheer up, Krist. Trust us he likes you.” He showed his face again and sulked like a kid. “I’m scared for tonight.” Me too, Krist, me too.

Work today was nothing out of the ordinary. We just checked the progress of the book we edited, called the author for any follow-ups and Godji gave us a new assignment for the month, but right now, I’m thinking about the concert tonight. I head down to the flower shop as I clocked out of work early. I saw Tay inside helping a customer pick a flower. He looked so genuine in doing something he loves.

“You know you can enter our shop.” I jumped when Nanon appeared out of nowhere. “He seems busy,” I told him. He was holding some sort of a flower that I am not familiar with. “Nah, once you enter the shop, he’ll go to you first.” I looked at him and thought _‘what’s that supposed to mean’_. I was about to ask him when he entered the shop and so did I.

Tay was at the counter helping his customer. “Oh, hi New.” He motioned to me to wait a little bit so I sat at one of the chairs near the chrysanthemums. His business is booming as usual. Our town is very secluded and does not have a lot of tourist destinations. The closest flower shop is two subway stops from here, so imagine the hassle of going to the next town just to buy flowers. So when Tay opened his flower shop, our town got a little livelier.

“So, what’s your answer?” He approached me while sanitizing his hands with alcohol. He rested atop his hand at one of the tables and just looked at me straight in the face. “Yes,” I whispered, and I know he heard me but he’s acting like he didn’t hear me.

“I said yes, I’ll come with you.” I smiled at him and he tried hiding his smile by turning his back. “Ok, let’s meet at the Andromeda Grounds later tonight. Don’t worry; I will surely look for you.” _WHAT THE HELL?_ I tried hiding what I’m feeling right now but my eyes say it all. I was literally screaming inside and thank God I don’t think out loud like Gun and his mouth does.

“Stop being cheesy.” I teased him. “Even my brother has a date.” He tells me. Let me guess, it’s Chimon. Nanon was manning the cashier while Tay talked to me. “So have you hired some part-time workers?” I changed the topic so I won’t get embarrassed easily when talking to him.

“Yes, I’ve already looked at their resumes and talked to them.” Tay looked happy that his business is not a bust. “I was afraid of moving back here and opening a flower shop but I love the kindness of the people who buy flowers from us.” He donned his gloves and started moving some pots. I tried helping him but he told me that it’s okay, since I’m not wearing gloves and the pots are kind of heavy and rough.

“Those hands shouldn’t be ruined.” He smirked and got back to work, he went back to the office to get some supplies for the plants.

I approached Nanon who was at the counter at that time. “So who asked who to this concert?” I casually talked to him even though we’re not that close yet. “I asked him.” Wow, they are alike. “We go to the same university, so we hang out a lot.” Nanon wiped the dirt from the counter.

“My brother and I,” He paused and stopped wiping. “My brother and I were devastated when our parents died,” Nanon said quietly so that his brother wouldn’t hear us talking to each other. “He actually was diagnosed with Acute Depression and his only coping mechanism that time was gardening.” Nanon sighed, wiping the counter from left to right.

“That’s why he really loves flowers and plants that is why he started opening this shop,” said Nanon. “And I admired his determination and building a business even if he studied photography in his college days.” He briskly looked to the office door to see if his brother is coming or not. “Between you and me, he takes great pictures; he has a great eye for subjects.” He winked at me.

“Nanon, can you get me the heathers at the front table near the acacia flowers,” Tay screamed in his office. “I’ll be back.” Nanon ran towards the potted heathers in front of the store and carried it to the office. I didn’t know Tay was a photography student during his college days. Maybe one day I could get to see his portfolios. Nanon then returned to the counter.

“Oh so going back, when you look at our website, all of the pictures of the flowers there are taken by him.” Nanon took out his laptop below the counter and opened it. “See, all of these are taken by him.” When you look at the pictures it exudes beauty and grace.

“Everything he does, he does it with love.” Tay then goes out of his office and Nanon quickly shut his laptop. “New, do you like it purple or white?” He asked me out of nowhere, and I don’t even know the context of the question. “Purple, I guess?” Nanon looked at his brother like he knew what he is talking about.

“Wait, am I missing something?” I asked them both and the brothers just shook their heads at the same time. I think Tay is planning on something. “Here’s my number in case you get to the concert grounds first.” _TAKE IT THITIPOOM, JUST TAKE IT!_ Tay handed me a calling card and I didn’t expect him to give me his number. “I’ll call--, I mean, I’ll text you once I’m there.” I stumbled upon my words and he laughed. He escorted me out of the shop and I hopped on my bike. “See you, New.” He gave me a half-smile then waved goodbye.

*

“Where have you been?” Gun was crossing his arms when I got to the concert grounds. “I was making myself dapper for tonight,” I told him and I spun so they could see my outfit of the night. “See, I told you those clothes suit you.” Off then arrived after me and they hugged, in front of me, how rude.

“Your brother is not here with you?” I asked him but he was busy drinking his juice. “No, he’s with me but I think Nanon and him have agreed on a meeting place.” The concert ground was almost getting louder by the minute, I looked at my watch and it’s already 7:45 PM and the concert starts at 8 PM. The bands that are playing tonight are not mainstream but they have good music. One of my favorite bands is playing tonight and I hope I can hear them with Tay, but I still have this inkling feeling that I would see Tong tonight and it might ruin my night with Tay.

“Oh yeah, I saw Krist and Singto together at the photo booth.” Gun was excited to tell me. “Newsflash: They look great together.” He screamed at the top of his lungs and no one cared. Gun then dragged me to the concert grounds because the show is about to start. I kept looking around to look for Tay but he’s nowhere in sight I already saw Nanon on the way to the pit but I can’t even look for Tay in this massive crowd. The emcees were already on stage checking their microphones and cue cards. The lights on stage were blinding and the dust from the ground started to get into my eyes.

“Where’s Tay?” Gun asked me. “I’ve already texted him but he isn’t replying, called him also but no answer still,” I replied. Am I being stood up to? If yes, then I hoped I didn’t get my hopes up.

The emcees already started the show and they were hyping the crowd and then someone poked me at the back. “Where were---.” I didn’t get to finish my sentence because it was Tong who caught my attention. “Why are you here?” Gun was feeling extra brave today and he sized him up.

“I just want to talk with New, please.” I was looking for Kay but he was not with him. “No, I won’t talk to you anymore.” I gave him an ultimatum and turned around again, the first band was already setting up and Tay was still not around. I checked my phone and there were still no messages from him. Again, Tong was poking me from behind. “I said---.” Lo and behold, Tay Tawan with his red sweater, glasses, and half-smile was behind me. The lights were illuming his face, good God, he’s handsome.

_“You’re the moon that glows in the sky lighting up the world when it’s blue.”_ The first band sang their first song and the moon in the sky is getting overshadowed by Tay’s presence. _“Stars they dance, though late in the night, don’t you know they dance just for you.”_ He hands me the stem of a flower, like that potted flower Nanon was holding in front of the store and the one he carried to the office.

“Is this a heather?” I asked him while I smelled the flower and the band upstage continued singing their first song. “Yes, it means admiration.” I quickly looked at him and he was smiling from ear to ear, not a half-smile that I’m used to looked at. We then both turned to the stage and enjoyed the first band. _“There you are, above darkened clouds, smiling at the world from afar.”_ Tay raised both of his hands swayed from left to right. _“With the stars, you wander around, may they follow you wherever you are.”_ Off was back hugging Gun while enjoying The Ridleys’ _Aphrodite_. I looked at Tay who was singing along with the band and I didn’t know he knows this band, so I sang with him. _“Here I am, just another boy, singing songs that others have sung.”_ He looked at me when he sang that verse and his eyes sparkled like the stars above our heads.

 _“Try and find the words to employ to adore the goddess of love.”_ I looked over at the front and saw Singto’s arm around Krist’s shoulders and my jaw dropped. Finally, their skinny love is already told. _“Oh, you’ve got me in a daze yeah.”_ Tay smoothly put his right arm over my shoulder and I looked at him. _“No, it’s not another phase you gave me one look and now I can’t get my mind off of you.”_ He lip-synced to the pre-chorus of the song to me, _TO ME!_ And as the chorus nears, I came closer to Tay’s body and it felt warm and welcoming, this feels like home. He feels like home. I shouldn’t wait any more. I understand what I really feel for him, it’s not my mind playing tricks on me, and it’s just me falling in love, again, hoping not to get hurt, again.

_“And it’s all because I see the galaxies when I look in your eyes.”_ Tay looked at me in the eyes. _“And I can’t speak no I can’t speak at all.”_ I smiled at continued singing to the song. _“I swear to Zeus you’re Aphrodite in disguise.”_ Tay put his hand on his chest like he’s taking an oath. _“Don’t think that you could hide it from me._ And I just laughed how silly he looked like. Gun nudged me and he gave me a genuine smile. “I’m happy for you.” He mouthed. And yes I am happy for myself and I hope this lasts forever. _“No, I ever thought I’d get this close to someone so divine.”_ The crowd begins to jump and the dust from the ground settles in the air. _“Oh, I can’t breathe, no, I can’t breathe at all.”_ Tay and I turned to each other and sang the last line of the chorus. _“Aphrodite could you, could you please be mine.”_ And he didn’t know, but I hinted that I want him to be mine. _“Oh, could you please be mine, oh mine!”_

After a few songs from the first band, they ended their set, and Tay, Gun, Off and I went to buy some food. “I didn’t know you know The Ridleys.” I was catching my breath because the first band was already lit.

“I love The Ridleys, especially their song Meaningful Silence.” I gave him a surprising look because that’s my favorite song of theirs. “Shut up. I love that song too!” I was jumping when we're on our way to the corndog booth when Tong showed up in front of us.

“Hey, New. Can you please just hear me out?” Tong was pleading in front of me and Tay. “Excuse me who are you?” Tay asked him, and I’m getting worried, this is what I feared the most tonight because they might clash in each other. “I’m his ex.” Tay looked at me and Gun was about to say something but I stopped him. “Fine, I’ll listen to you one more time and after our conversation, that’s it,” I asked Tay, Gun and Off to leaves us for a while so we could have privacy.

“I’m sorry.” He initiated the conversation with an apology and I know that he’s sincere. “But your sorry won’t do anything right now, Tong.” We sat at the grass near the medic tent. The second band was setting up their instruments. “I know, but I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for the things that I have done. So please give me another chance.” The audacity of this man.

“Three chances Tong. I gave you three chances but you wasted them all.” I was hiding my anger by clenching my fist. “And I think that’s enough for someone like you.” I looked at him all teary-eyed not because I’m in pain, but because I am mad at him. “I am happy now with my friends, so please don’t come into my life again like nothing happened for you to ruin it again for the fourth time.” I stood and gave him a half-smile.

“I loved you sincerely, you know. But I genuinely hate you now.” I left Tong along in the grass as I searched for my friends. My sight was getting blurry because of my tears but someone hugged me suddenly. “Cry if you must.” It was Tay who hugged me, I buried my face in his neck as Any Name’s Okay play their song _All I Feel and See._

I finally made peace with my past relationship with Tong. It hurt me doing that but this is for the better. I’m already happy with my friends. I broke the hug first to look at Tay who was also teary-eyed. Gun who was hugging Off was crying too. I approached him and hugged my best friend. “I think I’m free, Gun.” I felt free when talking to Tong the final time, like a flower that bloomed on a rainy day. I took the chance of talking to him tonight and I’m glad I did that. I said how I felt, and it was worth it. I again looked at Tay who was standing behind me and the band sang a line from the song that made me run to him. _“One lost soul singing happily.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Purple) Heather means admiration and beauty


	6. Sisymbrium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I apologize for the short chapter :(

“Are you feeling okay now?” Tay was comforting me by treating me ice cream near the photo booth. “Somehow,” I replied to him, still looking down at my feet. I don’t know why but I feel embarrassed after what happened with Tong. “It’s okay, New.” He patted my head and I looked up to him, the music from the stage was echoing all throughout the concert grounds but all I can hear is my heartbeat beating loud.

“Thank you,” I whispered but I know he heard me. We were strolling through the Andromeda Grounds when we saw his brother and Chimon. “Hey, you little kid!” Tay rushed to their direction, we saw them holding hands together, and thank God, Gun isn’t here with us right now, because he might have hit his brother in the head. I was just laughing my ass off as Tay lectured his brother. There’s nothing wrong with holding hands, you know, but Tay and Gun are just overly protective with their brothers.

After that incident, we saw Krist and Singto near one of the arcade booths. They were playing hoops together, and honestly, Krist looked genuinely happy with him. “I didn’t know you were a shooter,” I whispered to his ear when he scored a hoop on one of the bottles. “What the fuck, New.” He was startled to say at least.

“Guys, this is Tay.” I introduced him to my co-workers. “And this is Krist and his boyfriend Singto.” I teased the two but both of them blushed at the same time. _WHAT THE FUCK?_ “Kidding! I was kidding. They’re friends, sort of. It’s complicated. Getting to know?” I don’t even know what their label is. As if I know ours. But let’s say that Tay is a close friend of mine. “Anyways, we’ll be going back to the pit now, see you later!” I hugged Krist and Singto as they continued playing hoops.

“What’s their business?” Tay asked me as I finish my ice cream. “Krist likes Singto and Gun concluded that Singto likes him as well, but both are afraid of telling each other’s feelings.” I was talking to fast that I didn’t notice Tay was staring at me.

“Hence, skinny love,” said Tay who raised his right eyebrow. “Yes, skinny love,” I replied. Any Name’s Okay was still playing their set when they started singing _Vivid._ “Come on, let’s go to the pit.” Tay grabbed my wrist and we ran towards the pit and to be honest, I can go on like this for days, just me and him, listening to music that is both familiar and unknown to us.

The song started with an instrumental and we danced to the rhythm of it. _“If I knew, oh if I knew what it took to get to you, I’d be unstoppable, oh I’d be unstoppable.”_ Tay was behind me and he put his both hands on my shoulders and we swayed left and right, feeling each beat and melody of the song. _“They all say there’s a time and place. There’s a dream that’s worth the wait, that I should run to you, oh I’m gonna run to you.”_ I looked behind and Tay was singing along with the crowd. There was silence amongst the noise of the crowd. I felt at peace knowing he was behind me and knowing that he always got my back no matter what like my friends do.

As the dust from all the jumping settles around in the air I held his hands and he grasped mine as if he doesn’t want to let go. He looked at me like how he looks at the flowers in his shop, with great admiration and beauty. The ground beneath my feet felt what I was truly feeling, _love_. The air felt how I catch my breath whenever he leaned closer to my face as if daring me to kiss him. The lights illuminated our hollow and shallow bodies as if it’s trying to reveal our deepest secrets and desires. But theirs is something beautiful about the silence you hear while everyone’s singing, yelling, and jumping. It’s the silence of realization, and now, I understand what I truly feel. That the hand I’m holding now is the hand I needed the most and that the love we feel was ours to cherish.

_“You are my most vivid dreams.”_ As the band sang the chorus I felt free from the shackles of my past relationship, and seeing Tay beside me, is the vivid dream I want, heck, _don’t wake me up_. _“No doubt, no tears and none of the fear in me.”_ I really like this song because it describes what I’m really feeling right now. “All I want is all your grace, all it takes, my leap of faith.” Tay spun me around like were waltzing with two left feet. And even though it’s crowded in here, it felt spacious dancing and making fool of ourselves. _“I’m coming home to you; oh, I’m coming home to you.”_ Tay lip-synced the verse while we danced the night away.

*

The concert ended around 3 AM in the morning and we don’t have work today since the book that we copyread was already printing. Gun, Off, and Chimon parted ways with us while Tay, Nanon, and I walked in the same direction. We didn’t have cars, to be honest, and I went here by riding the bus. The same goes for the brothers. When we got to the main highway, we hailed one and rode it. Tay and I seated together while Nanon sat in front of us. It was a fun night indeed, a tiring one too. So I didn’t notice that I was already bobbing my head from side to side. But then Tay held my head and he let me rest in his shoulder. The cold breeze coming from the outside was refreshing and the moon and stars are shining ever so brightly tonight. “I had fun tonight,” I whispered to his ear and he just smiled.

After thirty minutes, we arrived at our stop, luckily my apartment was nearby. “I just live one block from here,” I told Tay; Nanon on the other hand headed first, leaving his brother with me. “I can accompany you if you want?” He offered me his company and I happily accepted it.

“Thank you for tonight,” I told him as we slowly walk to my apartment. “Both of us don’t want to go home yet, and it shows. “This night was so fun and unexpected.” He was staring at the moon as we pass by lampposts that are broken, some are flickering the others are busted. But the light coming from the moon lit up the asphalt road. The ground was already wet from the dew.

“I can’t believe Krist and Singto kissed!” He turned to me when he remembered what had happened during one of Hale’s performance. “I know right!” I was enthusiastic as Tay was. I can’t believe we still have this so much energy after tonight’s happening. “And I’m glad they embraced each other’s feelings.” He put his hands in his pocket and he shivered a little bit, feeling a little cold.

Shortly after that we already arrived at my apartment. “Thank you for today, Tawan.” I tried calling him by his real name and he was surprised. “You called me by my name.” He shyly turned his gaze away from me. “Thank you also for today, Thitipoom.” There, there’s that half-smile that I always anticipate when he looks at me, I’m not saying I don’t like Tay fully smiling at me but there’s something pulling me with that half-smile of his.

“Friends?” _WAIT. DID I JUST HEAR THAT RIGHT? DID HE SAY, FRIENDS?_ “Excuse me what?” I asked him to repeat what he just said.

“I said, friends.” And he offered me a handshake. _ALL THAT BUILD UP FROM LAST WEEK AND DURING THE CONCERT AND ALL HE WANTS IS TO BECOME JUST FRIENDS?_ See how delusional I became for the past week? I thought we were something after this night, I thought he would be kissing me right now. _Ugh, Thitipoom!_ I’m mentally kicking myself in the shin right now so he won’t notice how disappointed I am when he wants to become friends.

“I mean, we’re already friends, right?” I tried squeezing answers from Tay when something exploded. “What the hell was that?” Tay used his body to protect me and when the loud noise settled, a building was set on fire.

“That’s near my workplace.” I was worried about the company building that I dashed to the site of the explosion. “Oh, no. Oh, no.” I was literally holding my tears as I watch our company building burn into the ground. I’m glad that Tay’s window shop wasn’t broken but my workplace is burning. Minutes later the firefighters arrived at the scene and they tried putting the fire out but it was already consuming the whole building.

“Get back!” One of the firefighters yelled at us. Tay grabbed me by the waist and we went inside the shop and watched as they try to salvage what’s left. I called Gun just in case and told him that the building was burning. He was panicking and started driving to where we are right now; thankfully they haven’t got home yet and Off was still there with him.

A few minutes later, they arrived at the flower shop. “I knew this would happen!” Off was basically furious right now. “I already told the head that the machines might cause a fire if it doesn’t get changed.” He was scratching his head and Gun tried calming him down. We were all inside Tay’s shop as we watch the building burn still. I looked at my watch and it’s already been 20 minutes and the fire is still huge.

“I can’t watch.” I turned away and I’m thinking about the documents that I left there. I’m thinking about where I should work next. The next publishing company that I know is in the next province which is like five hours away from our district. And I can’t afford the fares going back and forth between two provinces.

It was already 4 AM when they declared that the fire is out. But by the look of the building, nothing was salvageable. Nanon and Chimon already went home because they still have classes, while the four of us stayed inside Tay’s shop. After they cleared the roads, we went outside and just looked at the building, the three of us felt defeated and Tay felt sorry for us. This moment that we are facing is not the moment we wanted to happen after the night of fun and excitement, this is adversity.

Tay went inside the shop and got some flowers. We crossed the street and he laid the flowers in front of the ashy building. “What’s that?” Gun said flatly, he was already tired and most likely disappointed.

“It’s a sisymbrium,” Tay replied. It was a yellow flower with tiny petals. “They mean adversity.” Tay looked at the three of us. “I’m sorry about your building, especially your works too.” He gave us an understanding smile and we just stood there, silently.

“We should head home first, and call Godji later about what happened. Surely, they have been alerted already.” Gun suggested and both of them went home already but I stayed with Tay for a little while. “Ugh, I hate this day.” I groaned and leaned backward as we were sitting on the floor. “I’m sorry.” He kept saying sorry, normally I would be telling him to stop saying sorry but I know he’s trying to comfort me.

“It’s not your fault, so you don’t have to say sorry.” I turned to him, sighing deeply than ever before. “Again, thank you for tonight.” I smiled at him and stood. “I can still accompany you if you want.” I nodded and he escorted me to my apartment again.

“So this is my apartment.” I pointed at a silver-painted complex. “Thank you, for yesternight and today.” I chuckled and smiled at him. “See you again next time.” I waved goodbye. “Uhm, New,” Tay mumbled and I turned around.

“Whatever adversities you’re facing, don’t try facing them alone.” He looked worried and walked towards me. “We’re always here to help you, you know that. I am always here.” Tay smiled and gave me a hug. He can’t see it but I’m blushing hard right now. And thank God, the lights were dim so he wouldn’t see my face. He broke the hug first and bid his goodbyes. I grab my keys to the apartment and opened the door. I lay on my couch as I reminisced what happened last night and a while ago.

“Tay Tawan.” I sighed while I spoke his name. “Yeah, sure. Let’s be friends, I guess.” I was talking to myself when my phone rang. It was an email from Godji saying that we should look for part-time jobs first and the company will compensate for the money we will be using. I headed to the shower and took a bath. I lay on my bed and looked at the ceiling of my room. I stretched my hand in the air and closed it as if I’m still holding on to Tay’s hand. “You’re most certainly a vivid dream, Tawan.” I smiled to myself and slept peacefully amidst the adversity we’re facing.


	7. Chrysanthemum

_ Wednesday _

“So where are you going to apply?” Gun called me while I was eating lunch, and since we’re currently jobless, and the company is not doing anything right now, I am stuck at home, alone, doing nothing. “I haven’t thought about that yet, but I’m still pondering if I could get a job at the local library,” I told him while stuffing my face with the almost-burnt salmon that I cooked. “Ooh, I can apply there too.” Gun was also interested in working at the local library.

The town’s local library is close to the university where Chimon and Nanon go, and it’s also an unspoken place between Gun and me. When I started my career as an editor, there I met Tong and we would always give each other stolen glances until he made the first move. Gun, on the other hand, met Jaylerr there, his first boyfriend, before he met Oab and Off.

“I thought you don’t like going back there?” I teased him and he chuckled. “Well, that’s the past and I’ve already moved on with him.” I put the dishes on the sink and sat on my couch. “Oh, they are hiring at the library on Saturday,” said Gun on the other line.

“I checked their website and they’re hiring library assistants, librarians, and pages.” I was contemplating if I should apply for as an assistant or a librarian. “Off could do pages work.” Pages are usually responsible for putting the returned books in their proper places and shelves; they are also responsible for keeping items in the right order.

“Saturday, hmm. What date is on Saturday?” I whispered through the phone but Gun heard me. “It’s May 5th on Saturday.” He answered me. “Shit! That’s my Pops' death anniversary!” How can I almost forget my grandpa’s death anniversary!

“You know you can visit him before or after the interview, I don’t think there are a lot of applicants that will show up on Saturday,” Gun suggested and I pondered about it. “What time does the library open?” I asked him and in a few seconds, Gun answered. “They open at 8 AM. You can go visit him first if you want to and I can reserve you a seat.” Gun is such a good friend, Off is lucky he snatched the best fish in the ocean. “How about Off?” I asked Gun about him applying with us.

“I already asked him and he’s thinking about it though, he said page jobs are usually a part-time job.” Gun clicked his tongue. “And I’m applying as a library assistant.” He continued. I stood immediately from the couch and opened my laptop. I decided to update my resume, so I could just print it out later on. “Thanks for the heads up, Gun. I’ll start updating my resume though.” Gun said goodbye and I hung up the phone.

After I updated my resume I decided to go grocery shopping for the apartment and also I want to buy new pots for my plants, since Tay is always giving me free flowers every time we meet. This is also a stress reliever for me since what happened at dawn. I entered the store and there weren’t so many people today since it’s a weekday. I was looking for a specific small red pot that I once saw when Tong and I dated. And I want to plant the heathers Tay gave me the other night.

“Excuse me, Sir, may I offer you my assistance?” A saleslady approached me but I gracefully declined her offer. I finally found the pot I was looking for and took my time looking for more. Once I finished shopping I strolled around the mall just to kill some time.

I really don’t have many memories with my parents in malls, but my Pops would usually bring me here as a child every Saturday and Sunday after masses. And seeing these children with their loved ones makes me jealous, envious even. And I’m in pain just by thinking of it. It hurts but I need to keep moving forward and not dwell on the past. That’s why if I seem to fall in love easily, don’t blame me, I just miss the feeling of loving and being loved, in return.

_ Thursday _

“Do I really have to go with you two?” I asked the couple as they drag me to the cinema. “Come on, the movie will be great.” Ugh, I hate third-wheeling. Even if Tong and I are still dating, and Gun would ask him to come, he wouldn’t. He would decline Gun’s offer and I’m stuck third-wheeling with them. And I can’t say no to Gun, besides Tong was busy when we were dating, so he rarely has time for me, a red flag that I should have noticed since the beginning but who I am to judge him. He’s a writer, of course, he’s busy.

“Just because we don’t have jobs ‘anymore’ doesn’t mean we can frolic around wasting our money?” I groaned as Gun dragged me to the ticket booth. “Don’t be so uptight, New. It’s just one movie then we could go somewhere you like.” I stared at him in the eyes if he’s telling the truth. “Ok fine, after this I’m going home and tomorrow I will go to Tay’s shop to order some flowers for Pops.” I saw Off smiling, and I know that smile, it’s a malicious smile. “And don’t think about anything just because we have gotten a little closer.” We were at the ticket booth when Gun looked at me.

“Little closer?” I know he’s teasing me because he’s pouting and looking like a child.

“Both of you are so malicious, there’s nothing going on between us, besides he said we should just be friends or sort of.” Gun gasped so loud people are starting to look at us. “He said that?” He felt more disappointed than I was that night.

“I don’t know the context of it. It’s just that he wants us to be friends.” I take out my wallet and paid for the ticket, we said thank you to the clerk and headed to buy some popcorns. “How did he say it?” Gun was so intrigued about what happened that night.

“He was smiling and he was offering a handshake.” Off can’t hold his laugh and started chuckling. “New, I think you just got friend-zoned.” Gun stuffed his mouth with popcorn while Off drank his cola. “I don’t think I was friend-zoned.” I defended myself because I don’t want to think I am friend-zoned.

We entered the theater and sat in the middle. Gun and Off were holding hands throughout the movie, obviously, and I was just eating my popcorn enjoying the movie. I don’t really like watching gory films, especially if it’s also thriller and horror, so imagine my fear when the whole cinema shouted through the climax of the movie. “It’s not that scary.” Gun scoffed while still holding on to Off’s arms but when I looked at Off he’s already covering his eyes which is typical. It’s a mystery how Gun can tolerate such a scary movie with his body size.

“I didn’t like the movie,” says Gun with his entire chest. The audacity of this person to drag me here to see a movie and reviews it like some sort of critic from Oscar. “You know what I’m going home. Both of you can do anything you want and I don’t want to be in the middle of your ‘private doings’.” I shooed them away like I was disgusted by the pure love for each other and it pains me again to think I ended everything with Tong.

I slapped my face, both sides, to get myself back to the reality that Tong and I are over. And that I should be proud that I did that. Right now, it’s me and… I mean who’s with me? I know Gun and Off are there with me, Krist and Singto too, but who’s really with me?

_ Friday _

It’s nearly 7 AM in the morning and I need to go order some flowers for my Pops’ death anniversary tomorrow, and knowing that there’s a new flower shop in town makes it easier for me to just buy some flowers there. Whenever it’s my grandfather’s death anniversary, I would grow some flowers in my mini garden back at my apartment and I would use them for his death anniversary.

Ever since our company got burned down to the ground, Gun, Off, and I have so much free time in our hands that it gets boring every single day. Thankfully, the company still lets us work by sending us online manuscripts to edit. And if you’re thinking if we’re still set for the library application, then yes. The three of us have already decided to take on this job.

I ride my bike to get to the flower shop, and seeing the blue skies on a Friday morning is such awe-inspiring. Gun always asks me when will I buy a brand new car, and to be honest, I don’t know. A car right now isn’t my priority, riding my bike gets me anywhere I want just not far from here but I’m enjoying the benefits of biking. I stepped down on my bike and entered Tay’s shop, but there was no one there in the counter. I ring the bell a couple of times and Nanon exits through the back office. 

“Is your brother around?” I asked the young man. “And should you be at school on a Friday morning?” I continued. “My classes start at noon and why are you looking for my brother when I am here.” Oops. He caught me off guard when he said that to me and yeah, he has a point.

“So, you’re going to buy some flowers?” Nanon leans to the counter as if mocking me. As if he knows I have feelings for his darn, good-looking, gentleman, somehow annoying, tall brother of his; did I say handsome already? “I am here to place an order for tomorrow.” Nanon grabs a sticky note and starts writing down the details for the flowers I want.

“I want chrysanthemums for tomorrow. And I’ll be picking it up around 7 AM-ish.” He stops writing. _“Ish?”_ I awkwardly smile at him and he shows me his dimples. Good God, their gene pools must be exquisite and made of gold. “Yes, I’ll be taking them around 7.” He removes the sticky note and posted it at their shop’s computer.

“But chrysanthemums mean pain right?” I was surprised Nanon knows this too, perhaps his brother taught him a thing or two. “Yes, and it’s my grandfather’s favorite flower too.” I smile. I grabbed my wallet to pay him but he suddenly asks me a question. “Is it his birthday tomorrow?” says Nanon who’s punching in the payment for the order I made.

“No, it’s his death anniversary tomorrow.” My tone was flat as if I’m reliving every single moment with my grandfather in a millisecond. “I’m sorry I asked.” Nanon pauses for a moment. “It’s okay. He said that I should move on with the pain of the past.” He smiles, nonchalantly.

“But how do you move on from the past?” Nanon grabs a seat and asks me to stay for a while. “I don’t know, I kept on living each day and thought to myself that every second count, that I shouldn’t make myself a hostage of what happened or what will happen. Then I repeated it over and over again until the pain of the past lingers no more.” I smiled at Nanon who willingly took my advice.

“So where’s your brother?” I ask him, hoping he won’t notice that I am specifically looking for him. “He’s out of town today to deliver some flowers.” Confused as I may but I thought Tay hired some delivery guys. “The delivery guys are also busy so my brother helped them out.” Well, that answers my question.

After a few moments of talking with Nanon, the bell rang from the door. “Ohh, that was a long drive.” Tay was wiping his sweat when he entered the shop but he entered with someone. “Thanks for driving.” The curly-haired man helped Tay carry some pots, which I assumed, he bought on the way home. “Sure, no problem; anything for you, buddy.” _Buddy? Who calls their friends ‘buddy’?_ “Oh, New, you’re here.” I smiled at him. _Finally._

“Oh, this is my childhood friend, Lee.” So that’s his name, _pft_. No, I’m not jealous, I don’t have the right to be jealous, besides Tay wants us to be friends right? “I’m New.” I offered him a handshake and his grip was firm like he’s warning me about something. “Oh, so you’re editor Tay talked about.” I looked at Tay and back at Lee then at Nanon’s direction.

“So you were talking about me.” I forced a smile. “He talks a lot about people.” He pauses. “Remember when you talked about your girl best friend Namtam?” Oh, wow, revelations on a Friday morning. I love this. _Oh God, Thitipoom! Why are you jealous? Stop thinking about these things and snapped out of it. As if Tay likes you! Ugh!_

“Anyway, I just ordered some chrysanthemums for tomorrow and I’ll be picking it up by 7 AM in the morning, see ya! Bye! Thanks!” I quickly make my way out of the shop because I can’t stand seeing that Lee person beside Tay. He seems bad news, at least for me.

I meet with Neen at her tutorial job near the ice cream shop we used to go to, now’s it’s a pub house. “No way?” Her eyes widen when I told her about Tong and I’s break up. “I knew it! I knew both of you wouldn’t last.” She was arranging her papers before heading to her first class this morning. I just passed by to say hi to her and I’ll be meeting with Gun later. “What do you mean?” I was confused by what she said. “The guy listens to The Smiths.”

“And so?” I helped her organized her papers, sometimes she’s just a little disorganized. “The Smiths are for people whose relationship with other people won’t last. Hello, it’s like a (500) Days of Summer thing or something.” I never liked that movie, to be honest.

“But what does music have to do with us?” _With us._ I cringed just by saying that. “Nothing, I’m just using figures of speech and music to describe your already-broken-and-unfulfilling-relationship with each other.” I was taken aback by what Neen said, some days I hate her but some days I believe what she’s telling me. “Anyways, I have to go to work.” She kissed me on the cheeks and she ran to her tutorial class. "Oh, I need you to come with some time to look for a dress for my best friend's wedding okay?" Before I could say 'no', Neen dashed out to her class. I sighed as I was left in his office room. 

I looked at my watch and I headed to the café shop Gun was telling me to check. “You’re late.” He’s frowning which is very unusual. “You had a fight with Off?” I ask him, not minding the tall man on the cashier smiling at us, at me. “Hi, I’m Luke what can I get you for today?” His smile was like Tay’s, wide and oh so innocent. “Can I have your best seller please?” I take out my wallet and paid for my drink. “Your name?” He grabs a pen. “It’s New.” He writes my name in the white paper cup.

“So why did you and Off fight?” We sat at the corner of the shop, after this, we will be visiting the library. “Do people get lost in their own relationship?” He asks me and I’m kind of confused why he’s asking me that. I’ve known Gun and Off for years now and they talk together maturely, they sort their problems together and compromise with each other, but it’s my first time hearing Gun asks me this question. “What do you mean?” I asked him back to get more details about their fight.

“I think he’s seeing someone.” My jaw figuratively dropped on the table. “Who?” I moved my chair a little closer to him. “And it’s a pretty girl to boot, also.” I feel Gun’s frustration. Off was primarily straight at the beginning but when he met Gun he fell in love, sincerely. But seeing my friend doubt himself because of a girl, it’s painful. And I’m not saying that this girl we’re talking about will become the antagonist of Gun’s story it’s just that he’s insecure of himself. What can he give what a woman can?

“But I’m not yet sure if he’s seeing her or not. It’s just my hunch.” Our names were called and I take our drinks to the table. “Ok, but first you talk to him about this. It’s easy to overthink things but it’s hard to piece back your relationship with each other once your trust is broken, so please talk to him.” Gun looks at me and gives me a nod and a faint smile.

“Your feelings are valid, Gun. You have every right to feel whatever you want because he’s your lover. And let me tell you that you’re not being overly dramatic in this matter. You’re feeling. And that’s okay.” I pat Gun’s back and he smiled, finally. “You know to be trusted in a relationship is a better compliment than being loved.” He looks at me, confused if I say so. “George MacDonald?” He asks me and I nod. “Ok, let’s walk to the library, shall we?” Gun nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chrysanthemum means pain. 
> 
> Hello guys, I already wrote Chapters 8 to 13, but I think I might stop writing for a while because I kinda feel insecure about my work. I feel and think it's not that good and it's not enough. Don't worry, I will be still uploading the rest of the chapters. Sorryyy :((


	8. Lotus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Anxieties, death, depictions of self-harm

I rang the bell to the flower shop multiple times already and Nanon and Tay were nowhere in sight. Today is my grandfather’s death anniversary and I’m expecting to have the chrysanthemums right now or else I will be late for my interview at the local library. “Where are you?” Gun calls me and I’m a little bit panicking. Okay, I’m severely panicking right now. “I’m still at the flower shop; I need to visit my grandfather first,” I tell him over the phone. “You don’t have the time to do that right now. First, come to the local library for your interview then I’ll take you to the cemetery.” Gun suggests so I just agreed to it. Nanon enters the shop and I sighed with relief.

“Can I just get the flowers after my interview?” I ask Nanon and he nods. “You want me to bring the flowers there?” He insisted and I didn’t have time to answer him back so I just nodded and rode my bike to the library. 

“Oh, thank God you’re here.” Gun groans. The line to the office was short. There were only at least six people waiting in line, including us. “I haven’t visited my grandfather yet,” I complained to him as we sat. “That’s fine. The interview only last for minutes or so, you can visit him later.” Gun whines. “I’ll come with you too so I can visit my cousin as well.” He smiles and pats my back. “So where are the flowers you ordered?”

“Ugh, it’s not yet done and Tay wasn’t there. Nanon was manning the shop this morning. He asked me if he could just deliver the flower here.” I said to Gun while rummaging through my bag for my resume. The first person already went inside for the interview. “Do you think they’re strict?” Gun feels anxious; he’s tapping his bag non-stop ever since I got here. “I don’t think they’re that strict. Just take deep breaths and think happy thoughts.” He looks at me like my suggestion will work. “I’m not a child New. It’s just that, it’s been five years since my last work interview and I hope I won’t get rusty answering their questions.” He scratches the back of his neck and massages it.

Four applicants later and it was Gun’s turn. But before he went inside the office, he noticed someone in the hallway. “Oh would you look at that.” I looked at him first and looked where he was looking. It was Tay, holding the chrysanthemums I ordered. “W-What are you doing here?” I stuttered, I was anxious at first but now I’m more than anxious. “Nanon said you were waiting for the flowers you ordered and he told me he was going to deliver it to you but I insisted that I would come here to say good luck on your interview as well.” He scratches his head, the way how men act shy and cute. “You didn’t have to come here you know,” I say, shyly. And I know Gun’s making a face right now.

“Well, I’d better go inside then.” He maliciously smiled at me and Tay and I glared at him. “Good Luck, Gun.” Tay waves at him and gave him a thumbs-up. “So are you going to work here?” Tay sat beside me. “Yes. And since it’s related with books and I am praying we get this job. Besides there’s a coffee shop near here and I love coffee.”

“You know you’re still a mystery to me.” I was taken aback by what he said. “Wait, what do you mean?” I looked at him, he was leaning forward, hands are in his chin, and his elbows are in his knees. “All I know is that you’re an editor living alone in an apartment, who loves plants and flowers, who has the wackiest set of friends and who has the brightest smile even when if you’re in pain.” Clearly, I’m perplexed by what he said. “I don’t know why you’re telling me this Tay?” I chuckled; awkwardly to ease the tension I’m feeling right now. “I want to know you, more than what is on the surface.” He looked at me and I was startled by his black and deep-set eyes with his bushy eyebrows and long lashes. “Is that why you asked me if we could be friends that night?” I asked him and he nodded.

“Of course,” I said openly and he smiled. “Aren’t you going back?” I said to him and not that I want him to go back to their shop; it’s just that maybe Nanon needs help. “Maybe later, I’ll accompany you first after Gun finishes his interview.” We sat there talking about ourselves, the weather today and the flowers that I bought from his shop.

Before long, Gun walks out of the office. “Whew, that was kind of overwhelming but I’ll start working on Monday!” Gun was jumping up and down when he got the job. “New, it’s going to be fine, just relax and be yourself, the questions are highly opinionated and by the looks of our resume and not to sound so condescending but I think you’ll get the job too.” I take a deep breath and grab the doorknob. “Good Luck, Thitipoom.” Tay stands and smiled at me while Gun’s jaw dropped. “What did you two talk about?” He asks us. “Nothing.” We said simultaneously.

*

“I got the job!” I was screaming and running towards Gun and Tay who were outside the library. “They said I can work on Monday as a Library Assistant but I also pitched in an idea of us being editors to some of the students who goes here.”

“I actually told them that.” Gun breaks the news. “What?” I was confused and disillusioned by what he said. “I told them that we can do some commissions for the library. Some of the students who come here are writers from the College of Arts and Letters. Sometimes they ask help from the librarians but the previous assistant doesn’t have any experiences in editing so I pitched in that idea.” Tay was chuckling behind him while holding the flowers to my grandfather. “What are you laughing at?” I ask him, snatching the flowers from his hand.

“You were so enthusiastic about the idea but then Gun, not hesitating, rain on your parade.” I hit him on the shoulder, not hurting him. “I need to go visit my grandfather first,” I tell Tay. “Oh, sure, let’s go.” _Wait what?_ “What do you mean?” I looked at him then back at Gun. “Oh, Off called me a while ago and he wants to talk about our fight the other day so I told Tay he can go in behalf of me.” Gun smiles, innocently, and it’s not cute at all. _WAAAH!_ I’m panicking right now, I can’t say no to Gun and obviously to Tay. But does that mean he’s going to meet my grandfather? “I can take you both there but after that I’m going to meet with Off.” Gun opens his car and Tay and I rode the backseat. “Wait, what about my bike?” I asked them before heading to the cemetery. “I’ll text Nanon to take your bike and take it to the shop,” Tay suggested but I told him that’ll be a hassle for his younger brother but he insisted so I just agreed to it.

A few turns and several stoplights later, we reached the cemetery. “Thanks Gun.” I gave him a hug and told him to suck it up when they talk; I just hope it turns out well for them. “So this is your annual routine?” Tay asks me as we walk silently to my Pops’ spot. “Yeah, but the past years I was growing my own flowers for my grandfather, but when you opened your shop, I know it made my life easier, and I’m not saying that it was hard for me to grow flowers for this particular moment, but you get it.” I hope he gets me. “Yeah, I get you. I always do.”

We arrived at my grandfather’s tombstone and I lay down the flowers I bought. “Hey, Pops. It’s me, your least favorite grandson.” I chuckled. “I’m kidding. I hope you’re doing fine there. And I hope your heaven is a garden full of flowers that bloom on Saturdays.”

“Saturdays?” Tay asked me, not accidentally cutting me off talking to my grandfather. “I was born on a Saturday and so was my grandfather, and every Saturday we usually spend our time gardening, that’s why he always tells me that flowers bloom the best on Saturdays.” I paused and looked at the writings of my grandfather’s tombstone. _Here lies Bank Thitipoom, a grandfather, a friend, and a gardener. And may the flowers of the earth bloom just for you._

“I was also born on a Saturday.” Tay sat beside me on the grass. “What a coincidence.” He paused and looked at the tombstone. “Hello, grandfather I am Tay Tawan Vihokratana, I am New’s friend.” Little did he know I was looking at him while introducing himself to my grandfather. “He told me you like gardening too. I hope his love for flowers and plants wouldn’t wither like the flowers that are left unloved and parched.” I glanced at him and while the wind blows out his flowy hair I can’t help but think he’s ethereal, but mostly enigmatic, just like he said to me, Tay is also a mystery.

*

“Thank you for accompanying me to the cemetery.” We were already in front of his shop and Nanon was manning the counter. “Of course, anything for you.” We both looked at the burnt building in front of us. “That night was fulfilling yet depressing because of what happened with our company.” I sighed. “Nonetheless, I was happy that we went to that concert together.” He suddenly hugged me out of nowhere and I was startled at first but I hugged him back. I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I was waiting for him to do that, maybe because I’m missing my grandfather’s hug that I wanted someone to hug me and I’m really glad it’s him.

“The chrysanthemums I arranged for your grandfather were red and they mean love, not the color that means pain. And I don’t want to think that you’re in pain, New, you’re just longing like everyone else.” He breaks the hug and pats my shoulders. “You’re an enigma, New. But that doesn’t mean I give up in knowing you.” He smiles again, and this time it’s a crooked smile and his pearl white teeth and gums were showing. “You know what, you are too, Tay. And I hope that the summer brings us something.” I smiled back at him and waved goodbye.

Let me tell you, it’s not even afternoon yet and my day is already complete. I have a job at the nearby local library, I got to go visit my grandfather’s tomb and Tay, he happened. Tay happened today and I loved it. It’s like everything led me to him and I hope I’m not jinxing it but I wish it’s him already.

I looked at my clock and it was already 10:30 AM and I decided to do some grocery shopping and I ended up buying a dozen eggs, some vegetables, fresh noodle pasta, and of course a pint of ice cream for tonight because I am what? _Celebrating!_ And no one can ruin my mood except I saw Tong! _Good God._

“Hi, New.” He approached me when he saw me and I instantly walked away but he grabbed my arm. “Wait, can we talk?” I gave him a look like I’m tired of this talking with his agenda. I was just with Tay a while ago and I was on cloud nine but Tong happened. He happened after Tay happened. “What do you want, Tong? I thought we already settled this at the concert.” I whined, actually, I complained. “I know but please hear me out for the last time.” We sat at the bench near us and I gave in to his wish.

“Talk before I walk away again for the third time.” I firmly tell him. “When I started dating you, I admit I wasn’t ready to begin a relationship with you.” He starts and I didn’t know about this. “It’s just that I haven’t moved on with my first relationship.” _So do I have to pity him at this point?_ “This is not a pity plea but it’s a secret I am dying to tell you.” He takes a deep breath and looks at me. “I was not in the right mind flirting with you maybe I was just also longing for someone when I broke up with him that’s why I started dating you. And I know it’s wrong that I entered a relationship with you knowing that I haven’t moved on yet.” The air between us was heavy, and the noise around us suddenly fell quiet.

“And I’m not blaming you for not being there but it was my fault looking for men to kiss and have sex with. It’s just that I’ve realized for the past days that he ruined me and he made me into this.” I know he’s holding back his tears because Tong mentioned to me he had a rough childhood but he never used that as an excuse for others to pity him, instead, he used that as a motivation to become a great fantasy fiction writer. “But most importantly, I can’t forgive myself for being like this. I know he hurt me but I didn’t have the right to hurt you back.” He now finally understands himself self and I applaud Tong for that, but this behavior of his is making me anxious. “Are you okay?” I asked him, prompting something in him. “I wish but I’m getting there.” I saw his wrist was full of scars. “Oh God, what are doing?” I grabbed his arm and showed it to him. “Oh, that was when we talked the night of the concert.” My heart was racing fast and I can’t believe he did this to himself.

“But no worries, I consulted a psychiatrist already and he gave me some medicines for my anxieties.” He smiled and I know this smile. “He told me that I should make peace with you at least so that the burden I’m feeling would be lifted and I’m glad you heard me out today.” Although he hurt me, Tong is a genuine person, and I know he can change for the better. “Right now, I’m focusing on myself and I’m taking a break from writing and after this long hiatus, I’ll definitely start over.” He looks up to the mall’s glass roof and the clouds above us were floating freely, like the fleeting anger I had for him was gone the moment we talked maturely.

“And New, I know you don’t want to hear this especially from me but, although I was a bastard boyfriend, I loved you sincerely, and I hope that person you were with at the concert makes you smile and giddy when I didn’t.” Tong hugged me for the final time. “Thank you for everything. Goodbye, New.” His goodbye hurt but at the same time, I am happy for him. I never wanted our break up to be messy but I’m proud that we did this civilly.

I take back what I said about Tong ruining my day because at least we’re okay now. I put my groceries in the basket of my bike and rode home. Although the summer breeze was hot it was freeing to ride through the town’s bike lanes. I was passing so many people with different stories, each of them has stories to tell to people they love; from longing, losing, loving, rejection, and despair. Each of us is a book to be read, and each of us is a flower in our own garden.

I got home and take out my keys for the main door when I noticed something in front of my apartment. It was a medium-sized box, and I’m scared. I didn’t order anything. I went downstairs to ask the guard of the complex. “There’s a box in front of my apartment and I didn’t order anything.” She looked confused. “Oh, somebody delivered that he said it’s for you, and I didn’t know what is or are the contents of it,” I asked her to come with me to inspect the box.

The lady guard taps the box with her baton and carries it, she shakes it a little and she felt something. “I think there’s water in it.” She tells me. I grab my keys and stab the box so we could open it. And lo and behold it’s a lotus flower inside a glass bowl. “And to think I was ready to smash it with my baton.” The lady guard chuckles and went back to her post. There was a letter inside the box I grabbed it and read it once I entered my room and put it on the dining table. _“For New, the conundrum of love blossoms likes the lotus in slow-moving water.”_ I was confused, who the hell sent me this flower on a Saturday?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lotus flowers mean mystery.


	9. Hyacinth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, guys! It's been a while since my last update. I'm sorry if I only got the chance to update this again because I'm in the mood writing again! Hope you guys forgive me for the long hiatus! Here's the next chapter!

“Gun!” I saw him opening the library door, and I looked at my watch and he’s weirdly early for our first day. “Hey, I need to tell you something but first let’s go inside, someone might see and hear us.” I was practically telling him to go faster. We put our bags at the back office and started opening the windows, the air conditioner, and the main switch for the library.

“So what do you want to say?” He asks me leaning over the counter in the middle of the library. “Last Saturday someone sent me a flower.” I rummaged through my wallet and showed him the sticky note with it. “Here’s the short letter they wrote.” Gun looked surprised when he read the note. “What does it mean?” He asks me, and honestly, I don’t know too. I’m as clueless as him right now. “They gave you a lotus flower? Are lotus flowers common in our town?” I nod. There’s a clean river not far from here and there are water lilies and lotus flowers living there. And honestly, I haven’t been there since when I was young. My grandfather would take me there and just enjoy the view. He told me that lotus flowers are very mysterious.

“My pops told me they mean mystery. Do you think someone’s telling me something?” I asked him while I open the computer on the counter to see any backlogs and books to be returned. Someone borrowed John Knowles’ A Separate Peace, must be some philosophy student. “I don’t know, and there’s no name in the letter even an abbreviation is nowhere to be found, I guess they want you to solve this _mystery_ you’re talking about.” I snatched the sticky paper in his hands.

Krist and Singto knew that we were working yesterday and they were kind of hoping if they are any slots available and we told them they’re still hiring, however, they will be working at the annex of the library. The local library is a four-story circular building but divided into two separate departments. Gun and I are working here at the literature department where the non-fictional and fictional books are located. The other half of the circular building is the research department where most scholarly books and articles are found.

“Have you told them about their interview on Saturday?” Gun asked me, he’s weirdly fixing his hair for some reason. “Yes, and they will surely go. I just hoped they both went with us last Saturday.” The library door opened and Off comes in. “Wait, w-what?” I stutter, I looked at Gun and he has this wide smile. “Have you two sorted your problems out?” I asked both of them and they nod simultaneously, which is creepy. “It turns out the girl I was talking to you about was his cousin.” I wanted to slap Gun at that moment, although I’m not belittling his feelings it’s just that sometimes Gun can be overdramatic, well, he’s a Libra.

“And he’s here for his part-time job.” Gun continues to baffle me with this news he’s sharing. “I’m a pager here for the morning then I’ll be heading to the university because I got the job as a Computer Lab Assistant, and of course it pays well.” Off leans over the counter and I take out the books that need to be returned to their shelves. “Make Dewey proud, okay?” Off sarcastically smiles at me while Gun gives him a flying kiss. _Gross._

Honestly, it feels like we’re still in the company, only it’s quieter and our space to work on is more spacious than before. Gun was busy checking the books Off was arranging while I was still looking on backlogs and books to be returned until a swarm of students enters the library, suddenly it felt noisier. Between Gun and I, he was the stricter one, he could call out any students or even teachers being noisy inside the library, and not to mention, he will not back down a fight even if his stature is small.

“Hey, Gun, look at this. There’s a particular person who keeps on borrowing books but not returning it.” Gun looks at the library’s computer history. “Maybe it’s some student who keeps forgetting to return it.” 

“But it’s been weeks since he borrowed it. They should be fined right?” He nods. Off then returns to the counter with a student. “Hey, I overheard them and he needs some help editing their paper for their Philosophy class and I told them that both of you are experienced editors so…” Gun and I looked at each other who would help him but since I was busy updating the computer, Gun didn’t have a choice but to help. “Fine, let me see your work, and let’s see what I can do.” Gun and the students head over to their table while Off ‘prettily’ stares at his boyfriend. “One more second and he’ll melt with your stare, Off.” He scoffs, hinting I was bitter with their relationship, which is true, or I’m just jealous that my best friend is hogging on some dude while I hog on some plants and a lotus flower sent by a mystery person.

“Hey, if you received a gift from an unknown person would you take it or not?” I asked the daydreaming Off. “It depends on what I receive, of course.” He turns to me, finally. “If it’s dangerous then without a doubt I’ll yeet it on the trash can.” Nobody says _yeet_ , not even the students here say yeet. “But if it’s harmless then I think it’s okay, but it’s still creepy. Why?” I showed him the sticky note I received last Saturday.” Off’s jaw gaped and I meant gaped. He was surprised that someone sent me a flower.

“Wait, wait, wait. You’re telling me someone sent you a lotus flower with these cheesy words?” He was laughing, but only I could hear. “It’s not cheesy and men deserve flowers too. Especially me, who really loves them.” I finished doing my tasks and left Off at the counter while Gun was still helping the group. I roamed around searching for some books to read and also organizing some books students forgot to return. _Ugh, is it so hard to put the books in their proper place?_ I saw a book that I’ve already read before, it was Gore Vidal’s The City and The Pillar, which by the way, props to Vidal for breaking the heteronormative view that gay people are effeminate, but Vidal wrote the main character as somewhat athletic and manly.

And I pitied the main character of the story. He was finding himself throughout his journey searching for Bob, a senior of his and of course the one he loves. He experienced so many things, but Bob didn’t reciprocate his feelings. I always hated the idea of rejection. While I can take no for an answer, it’s just that I hate the rejection and pain that comes with it.

The bell rang on the counter and I peeked and there was a man standing in the counter, specifically a professor, I assume. I was waiting for Gun to return but he seemed busy so I headed back with Vidal’s book in my hand. And as I approach him, he seems familiar, oddly familiar, weirdly, and excruciatingly familiar.

“Hi, I’m Lee Thanat, I’m here to return the book.” He smiles and I know this freaking smile and that firm grip at the flower shop. “And did we meet already?” He continues and I awkwardly nod, I hope Gun returns soon. “Yeah, at Tay’s shop.” I smiled, forcibly. “Oh, yeah, yeah.” He chuckled and set the book on the counter, it was Knowles’ A Separate Peace. “Uhm, you still have books to return though so I should give you a fine, right? I’m sorry, I just started here.” I wasn’t looking at him, because looking at him makes me jealous. _WAIT. JEALOUS? OF WHAT? THITIPOOM, YOU AND TAWAN ARE NOT IT, OKAY? THERE IS NO WE._

“Yeah, but I already told the library manager that I’ll be borrowing some books here and may or may not return it on time because I teach literature.” He smiles, like what authors would probably describe those creepy-over-the-top-and-crazy-smiles. “Oh, I’m sorry. Sure, let me first check out this book, and will you borrowing a book again?” I ask him and he points at the book I was holding. _God damn it._ “Oh, this? Sure, hold on.” I check out the book _I was dying to reread_ but Mr. Lee-terature here wants it. It’s frustrating, ugh.

“You know it was my idea for Tay to open the flower shop.”

_I don’t care._

“I also love flowers; we really have a lot of similarities.”

_Yeah, keep telling me, I find it enjoyable listening to your drabbles about Tay._

Ok, fine. You know Tay more than I do, and so? And for what? To make me feel jealous? Guess what! It’s fucking working. I subtly glared at him as I hand him the book. “Enjoy,” I said sarcastically and he left the library. “Oh, thank God I was not in the middle of that conversation.” Gun and Off return to the counter. “What gives, Thitipoom?” Gun asks me and I just sighed and covered my face. “He’s friends with Tay and I think he likes him.” I paused. “Too.” Off’s eyes widen and Gun felt proud that I finally admitted that I really like Tawan.

“Wait you like Tay?” Gun looks at his boyfriend. “Are you blind? Of course, he likes him, I bet he sent you that flower.” I looked at him and shook my head. “It’s impossible that it’s Tay who gave me the flower, I was with him the whole morning, remember?” Gun mouthed ‘ooh’ when he realized I was with Tay Saturday morning. “So why is that guy bothering you?” He asks me. “No, he’s not bothering me. It’s just that he gives me these bad vibes and I don’t like him.” Gun chuckled. “You dislike every person you first meet, remember when we first met? You called me a dwarf that reeked of Satan’s juice-hell, and honestly, I don’t even want to know what kind of juice you were talking about.”

Oh yeah, I hated Gun before but now, he’s much more tolerable. “And when I introduced Off to you, you told me he’ll break my heart because he looks someone who breaks people’s heart.” I turned to Off who didn’t know about this. “And you found Krist and Singto to be annoying as well.”

“Fine, I get it.” I give up, it’s only 9 AM in the morning and Gun is already blasting me with his words. “But you were never like this with Tay.” They both maliciously smile. “And also with Tong, but let’s not talk about him,” I remembered my conversation with Tong last Saturday. “Actually, he’s seeing a psychiatrist right now.” Gun looked confused and perplexed. “Wait, what?”

“Apparently, when I broke things with him, he started hurting himself, but he told me last Saturday that he’s doing fine right now and is taking a break with writing.” Although Gun hated Tong’s guts, he never wished for something like this to happen to him, since Gun is a mental health advocate. He lost his dad due to addiction at the age of 12. His mother took care of them ever since. “Did you talk to Kay about this?” Off asks me. “Not yet, but I’m sure Kay knows about this and I’m hoping he’s helping his cousin,” I answered him.

“So going back to that guy, why is he here?” Gun asked me, he grabbed a chair and put his feet atop of the table. “He’s a literature professor in the university, and apparently, he was the one borrowing the books that are overdue.” Off looks disinterested with this guy. “And he said that the library manager lets him borrow and almost always return them late.” I groaned, scoffed even.

“It’s funny how you’re very adamant about hating him when you even don’t know him yet.” Gun chuckles, and he’s right, but the way he gripped my hand that day when Tay was talking about me infuriates me. And I know this isn’t jealousy. “You’re jealous.” Off smiles maliciously. “No, I’m not.” I looked at Gun and he was giving me the ‘I-don’t-think-so’ face. “I mean it, I am not jealous!” I screamed with my entire chest, I forgot I was at a library with students studying presumably for their quizzes and exams. “I am not.” I hid behind the counter. “New, denial doesn’t suit you.” Off hides behind the counter too, so was Gun. We were like three idiots conspiring about how we can topple Lee from claiming the title as Tay’s boyfriend. “And how do you know he likes Tay?” Gun has a point with his question.

“I don’t know, I just feel it.” I stood and sat at the chair near the library computer. “New, don’t jump to a conclusion please, just because you feel it doesn’t mean you’re right. You need to have a piece of hard evidence to know that Lee likes Tay because in the end if you’re wrong Tay might find you, untrustworthy.” It felt like a bucket of ice-cold water was just thrown at me by what Gun said. I mean he’s right though, I can’t be jealous of Lee yet just because ‘I feel’ it, and what makes me sure that Tay will like me back? And what if the things he has said to me were just friendly advice and the advances he made are just friendly as well? See, this is why I hate being skeptical. I always overthink things.

“You’re right, I’m sorry. It’s just that I think Tay’s the one, and I know that’s a cliché thing to say but cheesy as might it sounds, I like Tay, and I hope he stays.” Off laughs. “It rhymed.” I rolled my eyes at him and we went back to work.

*

“Goodbye, Sir Gun!” A student waved goodbye at my good friend who was busy reading the newspaper behind me. “Who was that?” I asked him, leaning backward to see the kid exiting the library. “Oh, he was one of the students I helped with editing.” Gun shrugged and closed the newspaper. It was almost 5 PM and the library is about to close when Off, Singto, and Krist enter. “Look who I found waiting for us outside, they said ‘They were too shy to come inside’.” Off copies one of them, I assume Singto said that. “I’m nervous about our interview on Saturday.” Krist leans over the counter while Singto sat at the back with Gun and Off.

“Don’t be. The questions are easy and I think you guys might ace it and besides, they need some library assistant over at the research library.” I closed the computer and started fixing my bag. “Why do we need to be separated?” Singto complains. “I hate that the library is split into two, I mean I hope there’s a bridge connecting the two departments. I don’t want to go down from the fourth floor of the research department then walk another four flights of stairs to get to you, guys.” Gun chuckled while Krist stared at his boyfriend like a meal ready to be eaten.

“We can always have lunch together, and go home together.” Off suggested. “But you work at the University right?” Singto asked him and he nodded. “Yeah, I work half day every Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays and in between those days I part-time here as a Pager.” Off clicked his tongue.

The five of them headed down to grab some early dinner. Gun and I punched the clock near the entrance and said goodbye to the guard. As we were walking, they spotted someone. “Well, well, well. I hope you’re here for him.” Krist and Singto then pushed me in front when Tay approached us. “Yeah.” He chuckled and I can hear Gun’s squeals. “I just wanted to say congratulations on your first day.” He shyly smiled and _what the fuck_ , he’s so cute? He scratched the back of his head and swayed from left to right. “Thank you.” Gun coughed behind me, I think he wants me to invite Tay.

“We’re grabbing something to eat, you can come with us if you want?” _Please say yes, please say yes, I don’t want to fifth wheel right now._ “Sure.” _YES, IN YOUR FACE GUN, OFF, KRIST, AND SINGTO!_ The six of us ate at McDonald’s, a typical early dinner slash snack for most of us. While we were eating, Coldplay’s Viva La Vida suddenly played, and to be honest, I’m not complaining. Coldplay is a sick band and I love all of their songs. “Oh, nice, a Coldplay song,” Tay commented and the four of them looked at me. They all know how much I love the Coldplay. Gun and I were exchanging looks so Tay and I could talk; the booth we were in was spacious. I was seated near the window and beside me are Gun and Off; Krist and Singto are on the other side of the table and I’m facing Tay. He ordered the chicken burger sandwich while ordered some fries and burgers as well.

“Have you gone to any Coldplay concert?” I initiated the conversation and I can see Krist smiling in my peripheral vision. “Not yet, but I’m hoping I could go and see one.” I nod, so were the four. _Guys, please don’t eavesdrop on us, you know I don’t have good communication skills with someone I like much less holds the conversation._ “Me too!” I exclaimed, enthusiastically, Singto shook his head a little, he’s hinting that I should tone down a little with my emotions. “I mean, me too,” I said flatly this time. I heard Krist hit his head and Tay asked him if he’s okay and he just smiled. _Am I fucking this up?_

He looked outside the window and there was a small garden. He points at one of the flowers that were planted there. “I didn’t know McDonald’s was planting some hyacinth here.” He chuckles and we all looked at the flower. “What does it mean?” Off asked him. “Jealousy.” My heart skipped a bit, literally, it felt like my throat was entangled into a knot when he said ‘jealousy’ and I was feeling jealous just this morning because of Lee. Gun and Off looked at me, Krist and Singto, however, we're curious as to why I was silent. “Hyacinth means jealousy, but not that kind of jealousy that kills.” He continued as he sipped his cola, while I looked again at the flower just outside.

“And what are your stances about people getting jealous?” I asked, bravely. “I don’t have anything against people who are jealous for the right things and right reasons but people who have unhealthy jealousy are people that are needed to be avoided.” He looked at me and I can’t help but think if I have a healthy kind of jealousy or not. “But how can you know if jealousy is a healthy one?” Singto asked Tay. “If it’s not getting to a point where that person starts obsessing on something they want or someone they like, then I think that’s a healthy one.” He replied, like a philosophical person. “But sometimes we can’t control our own desires because that’s part of our life. Take, for example, pleasure, sex, and sleep. These three are somewhat our desires and sometimes we have the urgency to feel pleasure, to have sex, and to sleep. I know some of us can control these things but eventually, we must give in to our desires at some point.” The five us of were silent the whole time Tay lectured us; he’s wise and I’m scared that I might not be befitting for him and maybe Lee, who I think knows everything because he reads books a lot, might be a perfect pair for him.

“But I hate envy.” He starts again. “Envy is the result of unhealthy and uncontrollable jealousy. So please, trust each other because this trust will save you from the roots of a hyacinth’s jealousy.” Tay looks at the couples and I know they trust each other. “Are you dating someone?” Off butted in and I swear I almost threw my hands at him.

“No, I do not, why?” Tay asked Off. “Just asking, so if someone likes you they don’t have to be jealous because you’re not seeing someone?” Off continued to babble and I’m kind of getting shy and awkward at this point, I just hope he can’t see my ears getting red. “Yet.” I looked up at Tay and he was staring at me. “I’m not seeing someone, yet. But hopefully, I will.” _HE’S LOOKING AT ME, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? DOES HE LIKE ME TOO? OK LET’S ASSUME HE LIKES ME TOO, AND THEN WHAT THITIPOOM?_

“So whoever is out there, I just hope they’re not feeling jealous tonight. I hope they sleep well at night thinking that I am still a bachelor.” Tay laughed and Off followed suit as if they’re sharing the same single cell brain. “You know, it’s kind of frightening to think that one day you will love and trust someone or somebody enough to let them see your whole body, naked!” Gun suddenly changes the topic. “What do you mean?” Off was curious, albeit he’s Gun’s lover.

“I mean, you will undress in front of them and remind them that you have stretch marks, scars, or even birthmarks.” He looks at Off, blushing. “And you will blush like roses in a field, painting yourself red. And that person will take it all in, and I really wonder if they will reassure you?” I looked at Tay who is listening intently to Gun’s soliloquy about pure love. He doesn’t know I like him, no, he doesn’t know I love him. So what makes me think that he will one day reassure me that there’s anything worth reassuring about me. I just hope when I confess to him, much less make love with him; he could see that each freckle and mole in my body represents a star in the galaxy and I’m his whole universe.

After eating, Gun, Off, Krist, and Singto went home already, and since my apartment and Tay’s shop are on the same way, he accompanied me. “Hey, do you sell any lotus flowers?” I asked him because I remembered what Gun said when he betted that Tay gave me the lotus flower last Saturday. “No, we don’t sell flowers that normally grow on water. Why?” The streetlights began to open and the stars are already appearing one by one. “Ok, so last Saturday, I actually received a lotus flower from someone. Gun said it maybe you but I said no that’s impossible because I was with you the whole morning, blah blah blah. But here, look, they wrote this letter for me.” I showed Tay the sticky note and he started laughing. “What? Why?” I was curious as to why he giggled. “Lotus means mystery; hence the word ‘conundrum’, Lee taught me that.” _Ugh, I heard his name again!_ “But yeah, we don’t sell lotus flowers here but I know the river near here has a lot of lotus flowers.” I guess he’s right so if not Tay who could it be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hyacinth means Jealousy

**Author's Note:**

> I will also be adding some new characters along the way. Don't worry, some of your favorites will also be here. :))


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